· Yeah, shur why not.

· 7/1, but you could have gotten 15/2.

· Straight on and then take the N7 - signposted Limerick.

· No, sorry. Can’t. I’m up to me oxters this week.

· Ah, ya know yerself. Tipping away.

· €3.70

· It was the year Jet Ski Lady won the Oaks.

· Jayzez, I haven’t a clue. Ask the Joe lad. He’ll know.

· I’ll know in July.

· Born, bred and buttered. 65KE reg me.

Have fun making up your own questions.

I’m thinking of calling in the World Health Organisation. There has been an outbreak of Builder’s Bum (Arsenia constructoris) at my place. There are more diggers and dumpers than you could shake a jumbo breakfast roll at. I suppose I shouldn’t complain - it took 6 years to get planning permission so I should be glad to see them making a start. And it reminded me of the time my neighbour was getting an extension built:

Katie was enthralled with the builders in their bright yellow jackets and shiny hard hats. She laughed at the way the big teleporter looked like the giraffe in her book. The cement, lengths of timber and freshly turned earth tickled her senses with new smells.

Being such a lovable little child, the builders took her under their wing and made her site-mascot. They kitted her out in a mini hi-viz jacket and hat. She was given little jobs to do and revelled in the praise she got in return.

That evening she bounded through the back door eager to tell her mum all about her day.

So you were working very hard, were you, honey, asked her mum.

Oh yes, mummy, very hard. I had to fetch the hammer for the carpenter. It was heavy, but I managed.

Well done, Katie. And did you get paid for all this hard work?

Yes mummy. Pat - he’s the boss - he gave me €2. John tried to give me €2 too, but I explained Pat had already paid me.

Well done, honey. That was very honest. Good girl. I’m proud of you. So will you be working tomorrow?

Well that depends, mummy. If that wanker over at Roadstone gets his finger out and delivers the right fucking blocks this time, we will. If he makes a bollix of it again, then we’ll be sitting on our arses all day pulling our plumbs.

Getting asked to take a look at a computer is something I dread. Past experiences [1, 2] have generally been frustrating due to low levels of IT literacy. I don’t blame the users - manufacturers and sellers market their products as plug-and-play and self-maintaining. User expectations are too high. Who would buy a car not knowing how to drive or that it needs regular servicing?

When asked to take a look, I seldom refuse - It is nearly always a friend or neighbour. But the last one really made me think if I should bother. It went like this.

- So what’s up, Catherine?

- I can’t get anything to go from the computer to the printer.

- Everything’s been working up to now?

- Maybe. I don’t know. I’d say so - himself uses it all the time. I never had to use it until today. I’m teaching a night-class in the school this evening and I need to get the materials printed off. It’s kind of urgent.

- Teaching! Well fair play to you. Right, I’ll be over soon. What are you teaching by the way?

- Computers.

While I was plugging the USB lead back in I got thinking and well if Catherine, and fair ball to her I say, can earn beer money teaching then maybe I should do the same. I have a few ideas.

· Bomb disposal 101 - All materials used will be (Irish Republican) army surplus. However a small donation to the cause is requested. To ensure your safety, you understand.

· Inter-Rail preparation course - How to say “it was like that when I got here, officer” in all major European languages.

· Building self confidence - Mentioning placenames such as Muff, Falluja and Ring in female company without blushing. Advanced students will learn how to use a bidet without giggling.

· Writing for children - Why the titles “Splat goes the hamster and other fun microwave games” and “The pop-up book of anatomy” will not sell.

· Organisational skills - Sort your sock drawer using Gestalt principles.

· Successful weight loss - A small fee of €2,500 is payable in advance. You will be provided with a smaller plate, running shoes and a unlimited use of a large mountain.

We have all see those ads for properties described as bijou and we think would suit contortionist with growth hormone deficiency. Or we read rustic and think dilapidated shack with outhouse toilet.

Their playing with adjectives is something we’ve all become used to. We can live with that. Maybe not live within what they are selling, but can at least live with their terminology.

But what when they push it further? Take this prospectus from an auctioneering outfit in this week’s Leinster Leader. It is for a property on 1ha in Kill village that includes a pub with a large carpark and a substantial tract of land with full planning permission for 20 dwellings. See anything amiss yet? No? Okay, fine. Let’s look a bit more.

The pub benefits from a seven-day pub license. That’s just great. I wouldn’t like one of those five-day, or two-days ones like that pub in … where was it again? … eh, what is it’s name? … hold on, is there one that doesn’t have a seven-day license? They could have added that it benefits from a roof, walls, windows and doors.

The village offers access to neighbourhood facilities such as local retail outlets, restaurants, sporting amenities such as the International Equestrian Arena, local GAA club and also a large primary school.

Local retail outlets? A shop; a hardware; a launderette; a hairdresser’s; a solicitor’s. Hold on, only the first two are actually retail.

Restaurants? Well I suppose you could count the food sold in the pub. Then there’s a pizzeria and a chip-shop.

A large primary school. True. True-ish. Large, but not large enough and no new one to be built in the near future.

Kill is well served by national road … links including the M4, M7 and M9.

The M7 is about 4km away; the M9 over 15km; the M4 at least 16km.

The village is connected to Dublin by bus, the Luas Rail Service at the Red Cow Roundabout and the Arrow commuter rail service at nearby Sallins, which run directly to and from Dublin.

Connected by bus, true. I can’t deny that. And it isn’t really their place to point out that these buses run between 15 and 160 minutes behind schedule. The 10:10 can arrive at 11:30. The 11:30 at 12:15. The 12:20 at 13 … you get the idea.

But this one has to be the BEST: How the hell do they make out that the village is connected to Dublin by the Luas at the Red Cow or the Arrow at Sallins? That is just plain wrong. The Red Cow is over 16km away. Sallins about 8km. That is like saying Kansas City is connected to Berlin by JFK.

They say the site is fronting out to the M7 motorway. (They mention the M7 five times, by the way). This is totally wrong. The M7 is 4km away. A corner of the property meets the N7 carriageway. The N7 which is not a motorway. What advantage is it that the site borders this road anyway? An exit/entrance will not be permitted onto it. Access will have to be through an established housing estate. (They do mention this admittedly. They don’t mention that the residents intend to block access with cars, baby buggies, sofas, knives & forks, pots of tea - anything they can lay their hands on).

The Advertising Standards Authority of Ireland (ASAI) investigate complaints of false or misleading advertising such as this and uphold most. The advertiser gets a slap on the hand with a feather duster and continues as before. Is there an obligation to retract? Is there even a fine? Does it matter? The product will have already been sold by the time the complaint is dealt with. The ASAI is yet another toothless watchdog from the breeders who gave us ComReg, the BCC, the CER and so on. And in case you haven’t noticed, we just gone and re-elected these same breeders.

Lads, does anyone know the law on candidates being within 50m of a polling station?

I understood it to be that candidates and canvassers may not come within 50 metres of the entrance to polling stations from 90 minutes before voting begins and they must not attempt to make any appeals to voters as they enter polling station.

At 6:30 yesterday evening, I saw a Fianna Fáil candidate in the carpark of the local school. Now I can’t say whether he entered the building or not, but I did see him within about 10m of the door. It was not the station where he would be casting his own vote. What business would he have there? Checking on the turn out? Surely he should have remained outside the 50m limit and dispatched his driver to do this.

Should I report him? What do you think? Okay, I am biased here as his son got extremely aggressive with me the day before when I pointed out the sign he and his father were erecting was damaging an area of ground the Tidy Towns volunteers had put so much hard work into. I genuinely thought he was going to pull on me.

Update: The useless witless eejit got elected. This county’s electorate are pure fekin mule! I give up.

Euronews are running a piece on the Irish elections this morning. A clip showing Enda Kenny casting his vote in the company of (that gorgeous creature - his words, not mine) his wife has the following voice-over:

Fine Gael leader, Enda Kenny, has said she will do everything in her power to prevent Sinn Féin playing king-maker in the new government.