Getting asked to take a look at a computer is something I dread. Past experiences [1, 2] have generally been frustrating due to low levels of IT literacy. I don’t blame the users - manufacturers and sellers market their products as plug-and-play and self-maintaining. User expectations are too high. Who would buy a car not knowing how to drive or that it needs regular servicing?
When asked to take a look, I seldom refuse - It is nearly always a friend or neighbour. But the last one really made me think if I should bother. It went like this.
- So what’s up, Catherine?
- I can’t get anything to go from the computer to the printer.
- Everything’s been working up to now?
- Maybe. I don’t know. I’d say so - himself uses it all the time. I never had to use it until today. I’m teaching a night-class in the school this evening and I need to get the materials printed off. It’s kind of urgent.
- Teaching! Well fair play to you. Right, I’ll be over soon. What are you teaching by the way?
- Computers.
While I was plugging the USB lead back in I got thinking and well if Catherine, and fair ball to her I say, can earn beer money teaching then maybe I should do the same. I have a few ideas.
· Bomb disposal 101 - All materials used will be (Irish Republican) army surplus. However a small donation to the cause is requested. To ensure your safety, you understand.
· Inter-Rail preparation course - How to say “it was like that when I got here, officer” in all major European languages.
· Building self confidence - Mentioning placenames such as Muff, Falluja and Ring in female company without blushing. Advanced students will learn how to use a bidet without giggling.
· Writing for children - Why the titles “Splat goes the hamster and other fun microwave games” and “The pop-up book of anatomy” will not sell.
· Organisational skills - Sort your sock drawer using Gestalt principles.
· Successful weight loss - A small fee of €2,500 is payable in advance. You will be provided with a smaller plate, running shoes and a unlimited use of a large mountain.
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Oh sweet Jesus. Is she being well paid for her trouble?
You cna be sure she is Kav. Say, where can I sign my mother up for the weight loss plan?
Sure is being paid, Kav. She needs the money though - Once a week or so she locks the child in the car and has to break a fly window. Expensive yokes them.
Sign her up right here, FMC. Just leave a link to €2,500 and I’ll email off the large mountain post haste. Would she be more of a Sugarloaf or Croagh Patrick type of woman?
Still catching my breath from laughing! Your course ideas are great. They reminded me of the first bit of Xerox lore I can remember from the seventies, a list of enrichment courses. My favorites were always “Bonsai your cat” and “Biofeedback and how to stop it.”
Fair play to Catherine; one of my first jobs was teaching basic MS Office at the vocational college. I was a linguist by training, but I had the book and my mom’s 386 and so I managed to stay two weeks ahead of the class through DOS, Word, Excel, and dBase III+.
Oh Coragh Patrick to be sure, more pain more martyr for your money.
What’s funny about bidets? Oh sure, they tickle a bit, but good personal hygiene is no joke. I never smile, no, not even a tiny bit, when talk turns to bidets.
I remember my brother and I nearly peeing ourselves laughing when my mother woke up on a road trip once and asking my dad where we were. “We’re just entering Moffat,” said he. We weren’t allowed to stop for ice-cream.
Showing your (our) age there, Stwidgie - I remember those days all too well. Catherine, as I later learned, can handle this course. It is an Internet course for seniors. Her only issue is naughty students - two of the old guys have discovered porn sites. Word!
Done, FMC!
Right so, Sam, I’ll strike you off the list of possibles for that course then? btw: Your Moffat story reminds me of my friend telling her Australian partner they had to sign the papers for their new house in a town called Kilcock. Very difficult making such a big move while he was crying laughing.
And now I’m ashamed. Sitting here thinking of Mickey Marbh.
When I did a FAS course in computers (Windows and Business French for some reason) they sent me out for a week’s work experience.
I hate wires. First day I was left alone in a retail store in Kilmainham. When the customer wanted to see the computer come to life I had to plug everything into everything. I went very slowly for I knew not what I was doing, and was hoping I could stall things until the world ended.
Finally, and don’t ask me how, I ended up with every single cable plugged in somewhere except for the end of one, which I held limply in my hand as I confessed, “This is my first day”.
But hey, just you ask me how to say “double-click” in French.