In case you thought my mention of an outbreak of Arsenia constructoris at my place was just a sly preamble to the joke, it wasn’t. I do have builders here and will have for about six months. The house is being extended. Effectively doubled in size.
As anyone who ever had a house built from scratch, like MacDara’s doing, will know, it is a major headache. But extending or renovating a house, with all the existing pipes and cables needing to be rerouted, is like having your scrotum squeezed in a Vise-grip by a Bulgarian arm wrestler whose mother you insulted. (Sorry, Igor, I was only joking. Really! She’s a lovely woman. The beard suits her).
In my case, every single cable and pipe, and even the boiler house and dog kennel, is exactly where the new structure has to go. Has to go, because the county council say so. Muppets!
To make matters worse, and make me sing castrato, I have one of those semi-permanent timber offices (not as fancy as the ones in the link, mind you). A great idea at the time - no planning permission needed, fully plumbed, heated, and best of all, quiet. I even have a little kitchen area with fridge, cooker, microwave, cat-skinner etc. You guessed it, it’s in the way too. Once emptied and all services disconnected, it can be shifted easily. Or so says Robert the Constructionist.
But, as you do, over the years I’ve managed to stuff it with books, DVDs, old computers, more books, vinyl, things I don’t know the names for. It is also an overflow wardrobe. Oh, and there are even more books, if I could find them. They might be buried under my neighbour’s wedding presents. (Don’t ask).
So there’s my long weekend gone. And I reckon Tuesday too. Robert the Constructionist has promised it will be relocated and all services reconnected by that evening, but I don’t believe him. As Fr. McNally always says, a builder’s promise is about as genuine as a whore’s kiss. How he knows about builders is beyond me, but I reckon he’s right.
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Six months? jeebus that’s awful. We had a bathroom renovated years ago and my nerves were shot from having builders in the house for just a few days. What’s with having your neighbor’s wedding presents, Primal?
We had to do…well fuck it,we’re still doing stuff, my deepest deepest sympathies.
Sympathies, friend. It’ll try your patience and test your faith and you might emerge from the experience a very different man.
However long you think any particular job will take - clearing, moving stuff etc. be prepared to add another day onto it. And get bandages because you will gash yourself on something. And potent liquor - make sure and have plenty of potent liquor about the place. A hip flask is an excellent idea.
On the other hand you might have all sorts of fun rediscovering old books and CDs and stuff you haven’t seen for years. !
Demolishing house-interior? Oh my life! Don’t tell me demolishing house-interior already!
This I have done for the last three years. For three years I have lived in settling dust on everything always without stop no matter how you clean. I have become proficient at plumbing, carpentry, cursing, breakfast-roll eating, plastering,drinking, falling down, kitchen-building, hand-gashing, wiring, solar-panel-fitting and much shit besides.
Is good - yes?
Medbh - I told you not to ask. But seeing as you have: A neighbour converted the garage into a granny-flat for her daughter and new husband. But they don’t have room for all of their stuff and won’t until they get permission to build their own house or money to buy one. Things are like that around here - we have keys for each others houses, we swap tools, cars sometimes, and in this case, we share storage. (Not with the new neighbours though. Most of them I couldn’t even name).
FMC - I’m beginning to feel your pain.
Sam - Okay. I’ll get some bandages today. I’m a dab hand at cutting myself at the best of times. But, yeah, finding stuff might be a bit of craic.
Bock - Just one exterior wall, this time. I did all the interior stuff myself a couple of years back. I reckon I didn’t reach your level (having read of your experiences) in all skills, but cursing, drinking, falling down and hand-gashing I have to a T.
Primal - I feel your pain - My own office is so cluttered that when the floorboards had to be lifted recently to run pipes to our new bathroom I decided to cut the carpet rather than move the furniture and piles of bumph! A well placed mat covers the wanton vandalism quite well! Don’t tell anyone though - the carpet like the house belongs to the parish
Very inventive, Stephen. Don’t worry - I won’t tell anyone. I won’t have to - you’ve just admitted carpeticide on the Internet.
Primal - Do you think I would be here if I thought the parishioners were here too? None of them are warped enough to find this strange corner of the net! - I hope………..