I was having a good old discussion with Tarquin, the builder, about the merits of Google versus Searchmash and whether George Bush should have a hot or cold poker rammed up his arse. We had just settled on Searchmash as the superior engine and that Dubbya, deserves a hot poker, but cold end up so he burns his hand taking it out, when a large white van pulled up.
The dog went mental as soon as the driver got out. The dog is a great judge of character so we were suspicious. I matched the dog’s growl with a scowl - an intense, serious demeanour - I call it my bout-of-diarrhoea-on-a-bus face. Busy today, boss? Boss. Always the give away. As soon as you hear boss you know who you’re dealing with. An 07 reg and you’re definite.
Tarquin is not known for his political correctness. He took a different tack. Opening the gate he told the dog they don’t live long. Get him while he’s ripe, boy. The white van man was gone quicker than crap from a goose.
Tarquin closed the gate. I have a big sign pinned to it as a reminder to all the builders. PLEASE CLOSE GATE. To cater for the truck drivers it also says PROSZĘ ZAMYKAĆ BRAMĘ. And to comply with the Official Languages Act 2003 it says DÚN AN GEATA, LE DO THOIL.
Does anyone know how to write THE DOG BITES KNACKERS in the Cant? Maybe there’s no point. Maybe I’ll just let the dog explain.
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Mr. M loved telling the jeebus freaks who came to the house that our dog Jack thinks he’s a lion. They left quick enough. It doesn’t work anymore in his advanced age, however, because unfortunately dogs don’t live very long, either.
Medbh - Tell them to be careful of Jack. Say he has become very cranky in his old age.
Canineteethese is a language understood by all. A kind of lingua-frankly-terrifying. Especially if spoken in the slavering dialect.
Longford as many a man that will call you boss and 99.999999% are trouble.Mostly they are Stokes but there are another few families as well. I was worried about leaving the house empty so it gets checked regularly at night especially at the weekends. One Saturday the builder checked on it and found a bunch of boys knacker drinking in my kitchen luckily he had taken the ladders away of they might have tried using the bog.
Ahaha, my father once had a very interesting and potentially lethal converstation with Boss men. They pulled up into the yard and tried to sell him his own six bar gate that they’d stolen from one of the fields way up the back of the main house a week previous
It wasn’t until my father took his shotgun from the back of the jeep that they agreed the numbers he had soldered under the lower bar did INDEED prove the gate to be his, and they all laughed heartily about what a terrible mix up it had been.
I don’t recall them ever coming back.
My brother once, in an advanced state of inebriation, asked Jehovah’s Witnesses into the house. He sat and nodded benignly for a while, and then fell asleep. My sister-in-law returned home to find them creeping quietly out of the house. I find it easier just to tell them to eff off.
hahahahaha
Sam - Lingua-frankly-terrifying. Brilliant. You crack me up/down/sideways, the lot.
Mac - Were they settled lads knacker drinking or knacker lads settled drinking?
FMC - Yep, it’s easy see the funny side when there’s a shotgun pointed at your snot. Did they ever try sell him good heavy solid gates - the tubular ones they rob then fill with sand?
Kit - Nice one! I take the JW’s anyday over these guys. At least they are only interested in robbing your time (and soul).
Manuel - Welcome back. (A belated welcome).
They were settled lads knacker drinking in a house which would make them settled knacker drinkers.
I couldn’t tell you. But they must have the greatest powers of observations ever. A frined of mine just bought a house down in Inch a few months back, an old country house with a load of broken down sheds out the back. They haven’t started work on it yet-the house- but her her partner put a lock on one of the shed doors. He came back the next day to find it had been kicked off it’s hinges. The only one that was locked. They must have some kind of crystal ball that tells them when someone puts a lock on stuff. There was fuck all in there but cement and a few bits and bobs, but they took the cement.