Free transport to and from work

I hate them. Estate agents. I never had to use them but I still hate them. They are right up there with slimy politicians, slimy politicians and slimy politicians. I hate the way they are allowed hoodwink the customer and only get a gentle slap on the wrist when caught out by the Advertising Standards Authority.

A neighbour, make that ex-neighbour, recently sold up. The agent put the house on the market at €370,000. The highest offer was €350,000 and the sellers were willing to accept. But the agent had a problem with this - if it sold for €350k the rest of the houses in the development would be valued the same. He struck a deal with the buyers - they would pay €370k and he would give them €20k towards the cost of their relocation expenses. Now that’s just plain cheating.

But they are all at it. Virtually every new house is for sale with some perk thrown in. The first year’s mortgage paid. Childcare expenses covered. Conveyancing charges reimbursed. Gym membership. Holiday vouchers. Agents will offer anything rather than drop the brochure price.

Matt Dunne & Associates really take the biscuit. All the biscuits. The whole fekin tin. They are offering buyers of properties in Portharlington and Portlaoise free transport to and from work for one year. Wow, you say, that’s the mutt’s marbles. That’d do me rightly.

If something sounds too good to be true then it isn’t. Think about it. There has to be a snag. There always is. Childcare for a year - for one or all your children? Is there an alternative if you are childless or a stay at home parent? You can be guaranteed the answers are one and no.

What are the snags with Matt Dunne’s offer? Well transport will be to a central point in county Kildare. So if you work in Dublin, Laois, Carlow or indeed from home, it is of no benefit. Which central point exactly? Apparently that depends on where the largest number of buyers work. Work it out. Say 40 houses. 10 owners work in Newbridge. The remainder in 5 or 6 other locations - no more than 10 in any one. So 30 of the 40 do not get free transport. What form will the transport take? He hasn’t said, but bus would be the obvious mode. So everyone would have to be travelling at the same times.

When pressed by the local media he said three families who work in a meat processing plant in Kildare town had purchased. If 10 more employees of that company bought houses then he would provide transport for them.

So it is a case of free transport to and from work, but with enough terms and conditions to make an insurance salesman scream. He may as well be offering 10% off all haircuts, provided you avail of them on Tuesday mornings, before 10:15, you are a pensioner, your first name begins with an X, Pluto is in Uranus (painful, I’m sure) and you are bald.

Why are estate agents allowed get away with this?