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Constantin Opel

I’ve posted some pieces about my neighbours previously but I’ve just realised I never mentioned my favourite. He’s Irish but has a very uncommon name. One of those, no seriously, what’s your name? ones. His daughter has recently discovered Google so let’s call him Constantin Opel for now. That makes him sound either Turkish or a car but it suits - he’s a delight on the road.

Constantin doesn’t drink. He can’t really. He needs to stay sober with a wife and daughter who are walking advertisements for the Darwin Awards. Retired a few years back, he works part-time to meet the bills for damages.

Let me say at this point that while Mrs. and Ms. Opel may be accident prone and not the brightest stars in the firmament, they too are wonderful neighbours. Kind and generous.

Ms. Opel was unwittingly generous to my builders on one on the few sunny days we’ve had. I was wondering why all 7 lads, including the machine driver and the guy marking out the footpaths, were needed on the scaffolding when I heard her father roar for fek sake, girl. Would ya put something on. A knickers at least. Them lads can see ya. Ah daddy, don’t be stupid. No-one can see me with the hedge.

He handed her her glasses and pointed to the high scaffolding. Surprisingly they didn’t crack with the shriek. She hasn’t been seen out since. I might buy her a burka for the laugh.

Ms. Opel’s little boy is the apple of his granny’s eye. He loves nothing more than going places with nana. Mrs. Opel left him in the car with her keys to play with last week while she popped back into the house to fetch something. Never give a child the key fob when you have central locking. Front door pulled behind her, car locked and alarmed, Mrs. Opel came to me for aid. I broke a fly window and got the car open.

I’m sure it happens to many people. But just once. This was the 5th time it happened to Mrs. Opel.

Last winter a handyman pointed out a new stone was needed for the sitting room fireplace. In his innocence of Mrs. Opel’s innocence he neglected to tell her it had to be a fire-stone. One she took from the rockery fitted just fine and that evening as she dozed by the flames the stone gave. A piece shot out and bounced off the TV cracking the screen and burned a hole in the carpet.

Constantin is very much a family man but there is one thing he will never forego - his Sunday morning golf. Mrs. Opel goes to mass then. Never a really religious woman, one morning out driving she came upon a beautiful old church and enjoyed the mass so much she took to going there every Sunday without fail for months. She raved to all the neighbours about her find. We were sick hearing of it, as was her husband.

One Sunday, when golf was cancelled due to the rain, he reluctantly agreed to join her. Mass had just started when he nudged her. You know the way we’re Catholics? Of course I do. You’re getting stupid in your old age. Maybe I am, but not so stupid that I can’t tell when I’m at a Church of Ireland service not a mass.

Previous in series | | Next in series

Full list of Crappenings

  1. Crappenings
  2. The absolutely brilliant employee - part 3
  3. The absolutely brilliant employee - part 2
  4. The absolutely brilliant employee - part 1
  5. That was it then
  6. Baby bomb
  7. Two big size nines
  8. Spare ribs anyone?
  9. Making Movie Magic #6
  10. Making Movie Magic #5
  11. Making Movie Magic #4
  12. Making Movie Magic #3
  13. Movie making magic #2
  14. Movie making magic #1
  15. I once was lost
  16. I’m a bit sheepish
  17. Constantin Opel
  18. Meeting Mary Mac
  19. The day the Wall came down
  20. Unwanted visitors
  21. A Blue Moon
  22. Small humans and their keepers
  23. Banking Buddies
  24. Incredulous Internments
  25. Fun at the Whitewater Shopping Centre
  26. The Grandmother of all Weekends
  27. Strange days and holidays
  28. An accidental Irish picnic
  29. This is cat altogether!
  30. Colouring in - an epic tale in 3½ parts
  31. Voting on Lisbon wasn’t easy
  32. The Leaving Cert - A Crash Course
  33. The pre-party
  34. The pre-party - part 2

Post info

This entry was written by Primal Sneeze and posted on August 14, 2007 at 7:40 am and filed under:
Crappenings, Fun, Neighbours.
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11 Comments so far (Add 1 more)

  1. I went to church one Sunday, only to discover it was the wrong denomination. I stayed and sang along. I never understood a word! It was all in German and I had only moved to that country 10 days previously. I am sure their God did not mind!

    Reply
    1. Grannymar on August 14th, 2007 at 8:12 am

  2. you’ve got to love my family

    Reply
    2. irishflirtysomething on August 14th, 2007 at 7:49 pm

  3. Grannymar - I’m sure he didn’t. As I’m sure he didn’t mind Mrs. Opel’s error either. Do we get more Germany stories then? You were considering telling us a few.

    Flirty - But I do. I really do.

    Reply
    3. Primal Sneeze on August 15th, 2007 at 5:50 am

  4. I love that mass one, Jesus you can just see them there. Kildare seems to have an above average amount of funny people. I cant wait to get home and move to Longford where I am sure there is a match for each one.

    Reply
    4. Macdara on August 15th, 2007 at 11:42 am

  5. That happened to me once at the beach when I had to pee and found some rocks. I didn’t see the men working on the roof not far off until I finished. At least they were quiet about it.

    Reply
    5. Medbh on August 15th, 2007 at 4:12 pm

  6. Mac - All counties, and countries, have them. You only notice them if you want to notice them. Some people would never see the funny side of locking a child in a car or the connection between all three incidents. There are stories and characters all around us if we just open our minds.

    You will find just as many, probably more, in Longford.

    Medbh - How very kind of them to keep quiet. The last thing you need is to be interrupted mid-pee. It’s not healthy.

    Reply
    6. Primal Sneeze on August 15th, 2007 at 5:54 pm

  7. Wot? NO news? STILL?

    Reply
    7. fatmammycat on August 15th, 2007 at 10:01 pm

  8. None yet, FMC. That’s 8 days late now. And 15 on the dry for me. The specialist said today that if nothing happens in the meantime then induction, inducement, whatever they call it, is the plan for Monday. We’re all going scatty. Ah shur, as long as everyone’s fit and healthy (and I get booze) in the end, that’s all that matters.

    Reply
    8. Primal Sneeze on August 15th, 2007 at 11:03 pm

  9. Now, Mr Sneeze, you’ll know full well that religion wouldn’t be my strong point. But as far as I know, a Church of Ireland service is a Mass.

    Reply
    9. Bock the Robber on August 16th, 2007 at 9:37 pm

  10. Update.

    Ok. I sent a text to the first available practising CoI person I could think of, and you’re right. New knowledge for me.

    Reply
    10. Bock the Robber on August 16th, 2007 at 10:01 pm

  11. Bock - Here’s your brother as regards religion. I gave up on the God squad when I was a nipper.

    Service was the term used by Mr. Opel. (I didn’t make this story up by the way - I just changed names). Also, the sign announcing upcoming meetings at St. John’s in the village always says service. But that’s only now that I think of it. It would never have dawned on me to check.

    Here’s something though: I would have had to think hard about who to call in your situation. With the exception of the older folk in the area, I wouldn’t have a clue what religion or creed anyone is.

    Reply
    11. Primal Sneeze on August 17th, 2007 at 5:08 am

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