Making Movie Magic #6

Nearly finished folks. This is the last one. Unless there’s a sequel of course.

There were another two of three days in the grounds of the Big House. Perhaps it was ten. Days seemed to melt into one another. Even when we knew we wouldn’t be called for a couple of hours we weren’t allowed leave the set. Just in case the light suddenly became perfect for that certain shot they’d been trying to do all week. It was one of those surreal I was there for a fortnight one weekend experiences.

The fight in the tent was to end with it collapsing and the character who caused the row being chased across a field by an angry mob. Chasing means running, right? Shooting a scene means doing it over and over again, right? Look, by now I was good at waiting, walking and lifting. But I’d tried running back at the dog track and didn’t like it. It lead to injuries. So I slipped away and found my new best buddy, the props guy. Right, what do you want me to do? Eh, I’m grand. I don’t need help. But they’re doing that running across the field thing, so you do need me until they’re done. Ah, I see. Okay, we’ll go dismantle those fences then. Oh, and smart move, Primal. They’ll be wrecked. Yeah, I know. And look at the poor innocents getting all excited. They can’t wait to run the bollix out of themselves.

I wasn’t caught and dragged back but Harrison, as my little Ford was to be known from then on, was. Listen, Primal, can you bring your car around and park it up beside the van over there? The van with the explosives on the back window? Isn’t that dangerous? Ah, no, it’ll be grand. We won’t be setting them off until the van’s driven into the middle of the field. Do you know anyone else with a smallish car? We need one or two more to make it look like a capark. But why don’t you just put the van in the middle of all those cars over there? No. Too many jeeps and big expensive cars. And anyway it’s too dangerous what with the explosives and shotguns and all. But you said …

So I positioned Harrison, the stuntmobile, where I was told and gave them the keys. They moved it a few times and despite my GPS (Go, Primal, Search) system it took me ages to find it that evening. I got it back intact except that the handbrake was pulled so far up it was like Al Gore’s head in his arse and I had to use a hammer to beat the button back in to release it. Where did I find a hammer? In the back of the van - a backup in case the explosives didn’t work maybe. I’m telling ya, MacGyver was only in the ha’penny place compared to ole Primal here.

But there was to be more excitement before the day ended with the clay pigeon shoot. Now, folks, listen up, said the director. We knew this was serious as the instructions were normally given by his assistant. We have 10 minutes light left. How did he know that? One take. We have to get it right. This man here asks if anyone would like a go with the gun. And Scud here will put himself forward; he’ll take the gun; aim at the clay; spot something off to his right; swing around toward you; and I need you all to duck down then. Got it? We muttered confirmative or whatever. We were tired. An expert from a gun club rattled off a health and safety statement about how guns, even with blanks, were dangerous and should never be pointed at anyone. I expected him to point out the emergency exits and show us how to don life vests.

One elderly extra rambled into the group. A bit late for the lecture. Any-wuune loike tu troiy, asked the actor in his best west-Brit. Here, I’ll have a go, said the old man, stepping forward and taking the gun from the gobsmacked actor. The director assumed the old guy was messing and pandemonium broke loose. We were in kinks laughing and the director was shouting for more lights to be brought up, everyone to get back in place and at the same time lecturing the volunteering-veteran about what extras should and shouldn’t do. Makeup touched up the two actors. Wardrobe straightened the costumes. A heavy duty cable was dragged from the far end of the field, stands erected and lights turned on. The gun was reloaded and checked by the expert. He gave another speech about gun-safety. ADs shuffled among us extras, moved us this way and that and then crouched down behind us.

The shot was done again and wrapped. In only 3 minutes after it broke loose, pandemonium had been rounded up and caught.

The weeks and months flew by and I’d nearly forgotten about the movie when it opened in the cinema. I went with a couple of friends which as it turned out was a mistake. None of us actually watched the film or even followed the plot. We were all people spotting. · Oh, look, that’s Dee Talbot. Jayzez, she’s bet into them leotards isn’t she? · Look! Look! See there. That’s my leg. · Oh god, Primal, look, that’s you. You look weird but I’d recognise that hat anywhere. · Ah ha, see, there’s my car. See it there? · See where they are now lads? Well that’s no nightclub, it’s a fekin gay bar in Camden Street. · Hold on, that’s not Clonmel, that’s the main street in Naas. And so on, the whole way through.

More weeks and months went by and it came out on DVD. I was finally able to sit down and enjoy it properly. And yeah, before you ask, I did watch it a few times more with my finger on pause so I could catch all the shots I appeared in. Would I do it all again? Probably not. But that one time was fun.