My mobile rang. I knew it was the vet - they always speak in italics.
Good morning, Mr. Sneeze. I’m calling about Anonycat.
I had the feeling this would be a long call so I switched into mobile-mode and began pacing the room alternating the phone between ears.
This might take some time. Are you in mobile-mode?
I told her I was and she could continue.
Well, we got the tests back from the lab and I’m afraid Anonycat has feline immunodeficiency virus - FIV.
I did some quick alphabetical calculations. F·I·V + 2·0·0 = H·I·V. The fekin cat’s going to die of a big disease with a little name?
Well, yes and no, Mr. Sneeze. Yes, he has AIDS, but he won’t necessarily die. But he will have a big problem fighting off any infections he gets. And speaking of fighting, any cuts and wounds he gets will take ages to heal.
Plus he’ll infect every other cat for miles?
Well, some are already infected. That would have been how he got it.
That’s three wells in a row, I said, doing some more alphabetical calculations.
Well, four if you count this one. I would recommend he be euthanased.
Right so. Pop the kitten’s mittens then.
And it would be best alert all neighbouring cat owners.
What? You want me to walk around the neighbourhood telling everyone there’s an AIDS outbreak in my household? I will in my womb!
Well, they’ll find out anyway. See. It’s on your blog already.
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You should have warned him of the dangers of sharing needles and eschewing rubbers.
Poor kitty.
Aid for all commenters - Sneezy blog has AIDS! KEEP CLEAR
Caro ~ That’s the thing with tomcats - they just don’t listen.
Grannymar ~ It’s all right. Relax. You can’t get it twice.
Jaezuz, I’ve just about recovered from Malaria, Foot n’ Mouth, Mad Cows, West Nile Virus , now I have to worry about Feline Aids! - what’s next ‘the rats in the vats’ will create the Guinness virus (mind you, I think I had that 2 days ago!)
I hope you didn’t share a toothbrush with him. That’s how you get it, you know.
Quickie ~ The great thing about rats is you never get mice when they’re around. Long live rats!
Sam ~ No. But I sat on the same toilet seat (i.e. the grass in my garden). I’m doomed! Doomed, I tell you. Doomed!