Old Sneezes

Sign o’ the times



By Primal Sneeze ~ March 19th, 2008. Filed under: Blogs, Neighbours, Pets.

My mobile rang. I knew it was the vet – they always speak in italics.

Good morning, Mr. Sneeze. I’m calling about Anonycat.

I had the feeling this would be a long call so I switched into mobile-mode and began pacing the room alternating the phone between ears.

This might take some time. Are you in mobile-mode?

I told her I was and she could continue.

Well, we got the tests back from the lab and I’m afraid Anonycat has feline immunodeficiency virus – FIV.

I did some quick alphabetical calculations. F·I·V + 2·0·0 = H·I·V. The fekin cat’s going to die of a big disease with a little name?

Well, yes and no, Mr. Sneeze. Yes, he has AIDS, but he won’t necessarily die. But he will have a big problem fighting off any infections he gets. And speaking of fighting, any cuts and wounds he gets will take ages to heal.

Plus he’ll infect every other cat for miles?

Well, some are already infected. That would have been how he got it.

That’s three wells in a row, I said, doing some more alphabetical calculations.

Well, four if you count this one. I would recommend he be euthanased.

Right so. Pop the kitten’s mittens then.

And it would be best alert all neighbouring cat owners.

What? You want me to walk around the neighbourhood telling everyone there’s an AIDS outbreak in my household? I will in my womb!

Well, they’ll find out anyway. See. It’s on your blog already.

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Reader's Comments

  1. Caro | March 19th, 2008 at 9:31 am

    You should have warned him of the dangers of sharing needles and eschewing rubbers.

    Poor kitty.

  2. Grannymar | March 19th, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    Aid for all commenters – Sneezy blog has AIDS! KEEP CLEAR

  3. Primal Sneeze | March 19th, 2008 at 1:58 pm

    Caro ~ That’s the thing with tomcats – they just don’t listen.

    Grannymar ~ It’s all right. Relax. You can’t get it twice.

  4. Quickroute | March 19th, 2008 at 10:55 pm

    Jaezuz, I’ve just about recovered from Malaria, Foot n’ Mouth, Mad Cows, West Nile Virus , now I have to worry about Feline Aids! – what’s next ‘the rats in the vats’ will create the Guinness virus (mind you, I think I had that 2 days ago!)

  5. problemchildbride | March 20th, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    I hope you didn’t share a toothbrush with him. That’s how you get it, you know.

  6. Primal Sneeze | March 20th, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    Quickie ~ The great thing about rats is you never get mice when they’re around. Long live rats!

    Sam ~ No. But I sat on the same toilet seat (i.e. the grass in my garden). I’m doomed! Doomed, I tell you. Doomed!

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