Finding work in Ireland: A guide

First off, forget agencies if at all possible. A recent survey conducted by Primal Sneeze Marketing Research of 14.5 lads (Mick spent half his time in the bookies’) in the pub showed that a staggering 93.2% viewed recruitment cuntsultants as wankers. 6.8% said fuking wankers. Furthermore, 14.8% of those questioned believed in the Easter Bunny and 54.7% did not believe the barman was really that busy when he said your pint is important to me, please hold.

Responding to an article published here last April on the subject of agencies, Mr. MacDara in the Leb pointed out that he always finds them as useful as the cardboard roll at the end of toilet paper. Sometimes you just have no choice but to use it. But if you do have to, always remember they do not wuuve you and you are not, despite their insistence, important to them - a recruitment cuntsultant’s promises are as genuine as a whore’s kiss or a barman’s welcome.

Right. Now that we have that sorted we’ll move on to how you do get work. It is all to do with knowing someone and being in the right place at the right time. An unscientific method and one not easily mastered. I call it PLUCK - People and Luck. Let’s look at a case study.

Last week Tommy the forklift importer dropped by to enquire if I would take on a project for him. I’d done something similar for his cousin’s company and he recommended me to Tommy. I know the cousin for years - we are from the same pub. Related through drink you might say. But, see? People.

We chatted for a while and his attention was caught by the tasty work Lar the painter was doing for me. Would Lar would be available to do a few rooms for him? I left the two of them to make a deal and went to see how the electrician, Stephen, was getting on. See? Luck - Lar was in the right place at the right time.

What I didn’t know was Lar had already been in luck - the electrician had already booked him to do his hall, stairs and landing. Tommy didn’t mind waiting a week or so as he needed to get an electrician to do a few bits before the painter could start. I introduced him to Stephen.

He would be free in a day or so. He had a job to do at Lar’s wife’s office first, part of which involved relocating network cables. By the way, could I help him with that for a few quid?

While this case study (all true, by the way) deals with the self-employed, the same applies to the employed. Don’t bother your bum with agencies (see above). Don’t bother answering newspaper ads - most companies won’t even acknowledge your application. Your online applications will be acknowledged instantly - by a machine. Machines, like agencies, couldn’t give a rat’s rectum about you. Machines, like agencies, forget about you instantly unless you keep pushing their buttons.

All worthwhile work comes through contacts - people you know or meet. Fact. 9 out of 10 cats agree.