I like lists. I made one last week using a sheet of headed paper the government sent me, a carpenter’s pencil I found behind my ear and a Robert Roberts coffee stain. You can try this at home yourself. Use a tea stain if you want. Or a biro. The choice is yours.
First on my list - the garden centre. Howya getting on, Breda? I need a television plant. [Blank silent stare]
Maybe I should explain. Maybe you should. Right. I have this big TV wall bracket thing and I want something to put on it. It looks very bare. I was considering a plant. Did you consider a TV, Primal? I did for years but now I ‘d prefer looking at a plant. I might be killing the sale here, but did you consider taking down the bracket? The wall would have to come with it. I like having the wall there for hanging things on. Like TV brackets? Yeah. If I ever get a second plant, I’d need a second bracket wouldn’t I.
Next on the list - the post office in the local shop. Can I have a €50 whatchamacallit, a Musketeer voucher please? A what? The vouchers that you can use in any shop. Oh, an All-for-One voucher. There you go. That’ll be €52 please. What? €50 worth of stuff costs €52? That’s scary. I’m afraid so, Primal. Is there anything else I can frighten you with?
Actually there is. This. That’s your shopping list, Primal. Look again. A shopping list with a coffee mug stain. Robert Roberts? Yes. Java. Very nice too. But look what it is written on. Ah, a TV Licence renewal reminder. I’ll do you up one now. No! Stop! I don’t want one. You’d better. That’s a 4th reminder. They’ll be at your door and you’ll be fined for not having one. No I won’t. I don’t have a telly. [Second blank silent stare of the day]
So what do you watch in the evenings? A pot plant. You watch a pot plant. Well not watch really. More look at. The wall-bracket where the telly used be is soon to have a pot plant on it. It’s in the car. How does that work out when you’re having a pint? “Hey lads, anyone watch that aphid last night? Something else huh?” And you won’t get Comfort conditioner in a 2l size here.
Look. Can you just tell them I don’t have a telly? They wouldn’t believe me. Why don’t you just write that on the back of the reminder and send it back to them? Tried that the last three times and it didn’t work. Try it again. Can’t - my shopping list is on the back. Sorry. Can’t help ya, Primal.
Okay. Thanks anyway. Hey, what you mean about the Comfort? I read it on your list. The 750ml is the only size they do here. It’s only a small shop remember. You’ll have to go to the supermarket. So you’re saying this shop is too small for Comfort? Something like that. Anyway, good luck now - there’s a queue behind ya.
It wasn’t on the list so I added it - a pint. The pub was deserted. Suited me fine. I’d read the paper in peace. The barman’s eyes lit up with the prospect of someone to talk to. It wouldn’t be my favourite Mediterranean country but as far as Mediterranean countries go it’s okay. I suppose you’re right, Rob - and I went back to my paper. I see you’re reading the paper there, Primal. Keeping up with current affairs and world news and all that. Well, I’m trying to but someone keeps disturbing me. I suppose it’s all on about the Lisbon thing and all that. Look, Rob. Why don’t you turn on the telly for yourself. Nah, I’m fed up with it. Nothing but racing and soccer and all that. Pity I dropped the car home - I have a grand pot plant in the boot you could be watching. [Third blank stare of the day]
He shuffled off. Finally some Comfort in this town. I checked the telly listings. Sure enough, a gardening programme at 8. I have the best thing in reality TV.*
*I needed ammunition for blank stare number four in case he came back.
If you would like to make a comment, please fill out the form below.
Addictions Advertising Back to school Banks Blogs Builders Characters Charity Commentary Crappenings Driving Economy Education Environment Estate Agents FAQ Farming Friends Fun Gaeilge Gardaí Guest blaggards Health HSE Immigration Internet Irish identity Jokes Kids Kildare Law Life Literacy Local Media Mothers Movies Neighbours Occasions Painting Pet Hates Pets Photgraphs Photos Plonkers Poetry Polish Politicians Politics Pubs Pub talk Racing Radio Relatives Religion Science Shopping Snippets Spam Sport Tech stuff Time Transportation Travel Travellers TV Uncategorized Weather Wildlife Women Work
Another one that needs a guffaw warning.
It’s probably a form of thoughtcrime not to have a TV.
Welcome to the club! Plant watching sounds great, I must get one.
Aonghus ~ I think it is. Oh oh, is thinking illegal too?
Grannymar ~ It’s great. Green is easy on the eye - restful. Plus you can nip out to the loo and be sure you won’t miss anything.
No, at least not yet. Just unusual.
How do you know your pot-plant doesn’t launch into a saucy can-can when you leave the room? And don’t say it can’t-can’t - it most certainly could-could.
TV. brother of all evil. plant watching is much healthier. although i recommend plant watching outdoors, as prolonged indoor plant watching can be detrimental to maintaining social skills and will lead to earning an undesirable new nickname. blank stares are common and although they usually come across as a sign of much much lower level of intelligence and wit, i prefer being exposed to the blank stares, to having to put up with people who fake understanding what I say and nod at everything as if… i never say anything that reveals the insane in me, so i expect to be perfectly understood at all times; so if i get a blank stare at any stage it’s never my fault.
(i am jet lagged so much i won’t blame anyone one of ya if you stare at this comment with disbelief and a little blankness)
Aonghus ~ It could actually be illegal. Recent newspaper reports about revamping the TV licence fine system spoke of X number of reminders then a court summons. No mention of an inspection. Possession of a TV set is assumed. Guilty until proven innocent?
Sam ~ I might train it to do the can-can. You can train plants as I understand it and this one is a creeper so is very suited for training.
Gayé ~ I do some outdoors plant watching too, but that’s not advisable on cold winter nights.
Just thought - wow, lucky you! Now you’re in recently arrived in Oz you’ll get lots of blank stares e.g. Asking for Tayto in the pub.
But does the plant have a remote control?
and may I nominate this post for Blog of the Week? There’ll be nothing better, of that I’m sure!
I love the whole automatic scrolly down thing you’ve got going with the comments. Tres zippy.
Conorín ~ Remote? Well, yes - It’s on a wall bracket so I can push it away … remotely, like.
And no - it can’t qualify for Mo Rogha - I already picked a class one. I’ll be very surprised if one beats it. (Though I often am)
Sam ~ Why thankee ma’am! The automatic scrolly down thing runs under AJAX and it broke my swonickles trying to get it working properly. There are some bits still not functioning as they should, but I’m so busy these days I really couldn’t give a rodent’s rectum if they work or not. (Ehm, things will change - soon)