My unCV

My unCV

I’ve flown in a balloon. I’ve been out on a yacht. Out of reach on the reach. I’ve been off on a tangent. Footed turf, hedged bets, couched potatoes, walled gardens.

I’ve been up in a parachute. Down in the dumps. On time. Off topic.

I’ve driven trucks. In driven snow. Drove a bargain. Worked a digger. Built holes. Mixed cement. Muddied waters.

A freelance marketeer: Your ad - on my arse. A freelance gynaecologist: Dr. Sneeze - at your cervix.

Fixed the wiring. Boiled it down to the kettle. Studied the past. Passed my studies. Tended a flock. Attended a ball. Balled an attendant.

Drank a toast. Ate some raw. Called it bread. Been on telly. Binned the telly.

Pulled pints. Pulled stunts. Been pulled up. Called out. Carried on.

Cut corn. Shoed a cob. Shooed hens. Chickened out. Been arrested, but released. Wasn’t charged. Have no record. Was charged twice for a record.

Made a break. Made a mug. Got mugged in Marseilles. Legless in Łódź. Walked on the tracks. Slept by a signal so I wouldn’t get lost.

Thrown off a horse. Onto my feet. Kicked by a cow. Kicked her back. Went in off the black. Ended up in the red.

Travelled by cardboard - a sign saying Anywhere and Home on the back. Hijacked a Tannoy and got barred from a field-day. Stayed camped on a pitch right through a game. Got barred from a town. Got barred from the bed and pitched the tent in her kitchen. Can’t go back to Kanturk.

Fell through dance floor one New Year’s Eve. Ambulance came. Told them to leave. Wore a suit into Maggie’s. Dogs’ abuse from the bikers but no broken bones.

Drove under the barrier into the yard. Unloaded the van and couldn’t get out. Sold coal to the Arabs. Sand to Newcastle. Bought shares in a nag, now called Pedigree Chum.

So …

How much of the above is true?

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This entry was written by Primal Sneeze and posted on May 23, 2008 at 10:44 am and filed under:
I don't know.
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20 Comments so far (Add 1 more)

At your cervix! *SHUDDER*

1. Deborah on May 23rd, 2008 at 10:51 am
I want to say all of it but then I wonder why you’d ask. I’m going to stick with nearly all, because I like to think I live in a universe where a man can go through life like that.

2. emordino on May 23rd, 2008 at 11:14 am
i believe every word (and what wonderfully well-chosen words they are - seo í mo rogha don tseachtain seo, cinnte)

3. Rosie on May 23rd, 2008 at 11:33 am
All men boast!

So I say 26-75%!

4. Grannymar on May 23rd, 2008 at 11:53 am
We’ll have to throw in an honour for distinguished services to punning.

There’s a job as a sub editor in some ~~rag~~ newspaper there.

5. aonghus on May 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Debz ~ Oops! Typo. Ah well, too late now.

EM Esq. ~ I like your logic. Eh, I’m finished with the going through yet though.

Rosie ~ Wo ho! Wey hey! Do rogha? Plámás will get you everywhere.

Grannymar ~ Your logic is mighty too. But perhaps I should have widened the bands to be more challenging.

Aonghus ~ A subby - I forgot that one.

Great letter in the Times, by the way.

6. Primal Sneeze on May 23rd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Has the ring of truth. A three-ringed truth.

7. Eolaí gan Fhéile on May 23rd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Great letter in the Times, by the way.

Thanks. If yer man hadn’t answered today, I wouldn’t have known they published it.
No time to read the Times at the weekend (Kids).

8. aonghus on May 23rd, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Hey Primal,
I may have walked out once with that cantankerous kanturk woman and who’s Maggie?

9. Sniffle&Cry on May 23rd, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Eolaí ~ Throughout my life, when they called send in the clowns I was to the fore.

Aonghus ~ Yer man’s letter today had more holes than J-Cloth.

Sniffly ~ Maggie’s is a nom-de-pub for a bikers’ bar that once was, and maybe still is, popular in Limerick.

10. Primal Sneeze on May 23rd, 2008 at 9:07 pm
And you wore a suit in there! A modicom of respect due.
Poetic, not pedantic and near perfect, Primal.

11. Sniffle&Cry on May 23rd, 2008 at 10:02 pm
w
o
w

I like nothing like a guy who’s done it all(most). After everyone’s voted can you actually tell us how much of it you have really done? Uhm, actually never mind that, I will let this one live in my fantasy world!

12. Gaye on May 24th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Sniffy ~ Let me assure you it wasn’t intentional.

Gayé ~ I’ll give a band. If I told you the exact %, then someone would ask if that included doing such-and-such. Then it would spiral downward into a meme instead of a bit of Friday fun.

13. Primal Sneeze on May 24th, 2008 at 5:40 am
Not to spoil the Friday fun or anything, but my one and only question is: was that the proverbial or literal cow that kicked you? And did you really kick her back? :p
And honestly, I have decided, not knowing is the best. When you are telling, if you do, % .. - % .. I will just cover my ears, close my eyes and go “lalalalalaa”.

14. gaye on May 24th, 2008 at 8:11 am
Well at first I voted 100% but I’d like to change my vote now because you can’t fly in a balloon.

15. problemchildbride on May 24th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Gayé ~ Literal. I’ve been kicked by, not one, but many cows, in fact - all literal. The last kick from a bovine was from a bull, so I can’t count his. And yes, I often threw a kick back.

Sam ~ And you can’t go up in a parachute, down on a duck or side with a kick either.

16. Primal Sneeze on May 24th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
A well travelled man I see Primal - however I can see my neck of the weeds (oh, sorry, should that be woods?), distinctly lacking in that ther’ post of yours. Think you’d better get those wings of yours out for another round via me. And we do horses no worries (and other animals if they take your fancy). Arrangements for kicking or otherwise will not be an issue.
Let me know when you land and I’ll come get you xx

17. Mzungu Chick on May 26th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
White girl ~ Damn it! I knew I missed a continent somewhere along the way.

Wonder what I’m doing tomorrow? Now let me see …

18. Primal Sneeze on May 26th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Do you mean in a basket under a balloon, or literally INSIDE a balloon? Because that could tip the needle onto 100.

19. Eoghan on May 26th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Eoghan ~ See (cryptic) reply to Sam, Problem Child Bride, above.

20. Primal Sneeze on May 26th, 2008 at 11:19 pm