The pre-party

And so there was to be a party. A big one. There would be people there from far and wide. Far meaning a husband and wife from Spain. Wide meaning an aunt Maggie and her arse.

Would I like to help with the preparations? Help meaning receive a long list of tasks and complete them in half the time allotted … because there’ll be more. Oh, and like to meaning say no and your life will be a misery - all your camels will have calves of the same sex and that kind of thing.

First up, the invitations. I thought long and hard about how to go about designing cards for a party that was to be both a wedding anniversary and a house warming. Then suddenly - ding! I took my dinner out of the microwave and it came to me - superimpose a shot from the wedding onto one of the new front door.

They arrived two days later. Well, what ya think? Fekin deadly - it looks like the two of us are standing right in the doorway. One foot inside, one outside. I’m good, huh. Yeah … but, hold on. Ah for the love of jayzez what’s this “10 years since we got married up” bit? I thought “wed” sounded soppy so I changed it. Marriage is supposed to be soppy. Only the first few years though. Oh crap! They’ll have to do - there’s no time to reprint.

A few days went by and my camels all gave birth to males.

Get your car out and we’ll go buy the drink. The trolley creaked under the weight. If the arse fell out of it, the fire brigade would have to pump out the shop. Oh look. A pack of party hats and bendy straws. The kids will love these. I swear I could hear the trolley moan. These could be the hats that broke the trolley’s back.

Having a party I see, said the checkout girl. I glanced up. Well spotted. Coped the party hats then eh? She looked at me a long time, her hand hovering over the big-guy-with-a-peaked-cap-and-a-radio button. Yeah, that’s it. Party hats are always the giveaway.

With the booze in the boot and the bonnet pointing skywards, I tacked the car toward the exit. Take a left out the gate. We’re going to view a big caterpillar. I seen it on a website and rang the man to say we’d come look. A what? A caterpillar. A big long yoke that you blow up. For the kids. They play inside it. You put a bunch of kids in it then blow it up? Cool! No. You blow it up first then the kids play around in the blood and guts.

It was left to me to deal with the caterpillar guy while a we’d-love-to-come phonecall was taken from one of the I-hope-to-fcuk-they-say-no relations.

Howya getting on? I’m here to see the big slug thing. He hesitated. Sorry? It’s a big long yoke that kids play inside. It’s on the website. Ah, yes, I have you now, he smiled. It’s a bad picture on that. It’s actually a train. It’s over here. Come and have a look.

Well? So what do you think?

The door is very narrow. The windows are even smaller. What happens if a row breaks out? How are we supposed to get in to take out the wounded?

He looked at me even longer and even more strangely than the checkout girl.

Look, no worries, I consoled him. I can borrow a metal detector and scan all the kids coming in the gate for knives. I looked skyward and muttered, I should have done that the last time.

So what’s the caterpillar like? It’s actually a train. But it’s grand. I told the man you’d hire it. He wants a deposit of two grand, refundable if he gets it back undamaged, and you’ll have to sign a form saying he’s not liable for any injuries. Or deaths. Deaths?!?!? And two is a bit steep. Yeah, I thought that myself. Can’t for the life of me figure out why it’s so much.

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16 Comments so far (Add 1 more)

Your blog is talking to me again!
Lol. Can’t wait for the actual party post. You got a picture of the train cum caterpillar? I’m very curious!

1. Deborah on August 17th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Yes! We want pictures.

‘I-hope-to-fcuk-they-say-no relations’ We have loads of those and they never do!

2. Grannymar on August 17th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
@Deborah - You’ll find one like it here.

Eh, 6 days to the party. There could be more shenanigans before then.

@Grannymar - And the ‘I-hope-to-fcuk-they-say-no relations’ are always last to leave too.

3. Primal Sneeze on August 18th, 2008 at 6:12 am
Primal - you must learn to post all invites to ‘i-hope-to-fcuk-they-say-no-relations’ at the last minute - in fact generally so late as they might arrive once party is well over and done with and then at least they can’t say they weren’t invited!
Please send me the address for where I can rent caterpillar/train, put all kids in it and blow it up - sounds damn useful for these extremely long ’summer’ holidays we are currently being subjected to !!
Actually ‘blowing up kids’ sounds like an awesome business plan - never mind just the holidays - am sure you could get takers all year round!

4. Mzungu Chick on August 18th, 2008 at 10:35 am
That sluggy train looks like a serious piece of kit. I’d keep the goats away from it though if I were you.

On a techie/nit-picking note I can’t see the cursor in the comments box (I’m using FF) and it’s a bit annoying…

5. Caro on August 18th, 2008 at 10:43 am
@Mzungu Chick - I learned that one years ago. This isn’t my party. I’m just the slave.

I’d prefer that as a winter pastime. The long, dark evenings would just fly by. What am I saying? The summer evenings (and days) are long and dark this year (and last)!

@Caro - Goats wouldn’t be a problem. You’ve been watching too many B-movies. Goats on a boat - now that’d be scary. Or sheep on a ship. Goats on a train? Harmless.

I can see the cursor. Using FF too. I’m on v3, you are on v2, but that shouldn’t make a difference. @Mzungu Chick again - any problems with you? You are using FF v2 also.

6. Primal Sneeze on August 18th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Conga-rats on the 10 years and the house!
The Jumping Castle things are so expensive to rent. During the school holiday program with the kids who have disabilities, we rented one for one of the days; it was just a simple 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom castle and we had to pay $$$$$$$$$$$$$$. Outrageous, so I feel your pain.

7. gaye on August 18th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Recomment: Two grand for a bouncy castle?

I could get something 2/3rds that size for a whole weekend for at most €300…

8. TheChrisD on August 18th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Caro’s right - I can’t see the cursor either - although I think it’s rather fun rather than annoying as you have absolutely no idea if you’re going to write in the right box.
………….. Sorry, I really must get out more !

9. Mzungu Chick on August 18th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
@gaye - Eh, not my anniversary, but I’ll pass on your good wishes.

@gaye & @TheChrisD - Eh (again), the €2k was just a joke. Sorry if my spaghetti-like mind map doesn’t translate clearly into words.

In actual fact, a bit of haggling resulted in him throwing in a magician-cum-clown for 2 hours free of charge. A good deal overall.

@Mzungu Chick - Sorry, I can’t track down the cause. I’ll put FF2 on another machine today if I can find time and try replicate the issue.

10. Primal Sneeze on August 19th, 2008 at 4:35 am
Not too many B movies, too much Father Ted.

I should upgrade to FF3 shouldn’t I? I hate upgrading browsers because I don’t want to know how many of my sites will be broken. Not in the week before I go on holidays anyway.

11. Caro on August 19th, 2008 at 10:44 am
@Caro - “I hate upgrading browsers because I don’t want to know how many of my sites will be broken.”

If it’s the upgrade from FF2 to FF3 - none.

12. TheChrisD on August 19th, 2008 at 10:57 am
Two grand! (she squeaked) Wouldn’t a ball and some mud be cheaper?

Excellent idea to superimpose the anniversary pic on the door.

13. problemchildbride on August 19th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Hello there.It’s high time I popped over and said ‘Hello’

so..um…Hello.

I’ll bet the kids ignored the train in the end and had a grand time with the box it came in.

14. Devin on August 19th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
@Caro - I’m figuring some plugin on my side has messed up how the page renders in FF2. Hence the fault is not on your side i.e. with FF2. You sit tight.

@TheChrisD - This site is broken already. I just can’t afford the time to fix it.

@problemchildbride - I’m very proud of the pic myself.

One of the couple is now in wheelchair and many of the invitees are baffled as to where and when the shot was taken. They know they couldn’t have just dressed up in their wedding gear again.

@Devin - So you turn up now after all this time. Smooching for an invite then?

It’ll be one hell of a big box! But I’ll let you know after the party though.

15. Primal Sneeze on August 20th, 2008 at 4:24 am
I know.I am ashamed of meself for having this huge Primal shaped hole in my repetoire.’Tis fixed now though.

16. Devin on August 20th, 2008 at 8:33 pm