Sally, the esoteric vegetablarian
By Primal Sneeze ~ November 18th, 2008. Filed under: Characters, Neighbours.
Look, I have to go. There’s someone at the door … huh? … no, don’t worry. I’m sure it’s perfectly fine to have sex before the first date. Here, I’ll call you in a day or two.
I dropped the phone and let Sally in. Not that I wanted to. Sally wrecks my head. One day she’s a vegetablarian – a follower of the all-powerful god Parsnip, the next she’s into feng shui lawn mowing. Her only redeeming feature is her fashion sense – all her jumpers have the most impressive lady-bumps. I don’t know how she does it.
I heard you on the phone. Hope I wasn’t disturbing something important.
No. Just the parish priest and one of his Internet dilemmas. So what’s with you today? Let me guess. You’ve put your name down for a trip on Soyuz so you can commune better with Luna?
Fek off! That’s stupid. Listen I need advice.
Cat hair in the fridge again? Just dab on some vinegar and wipe off with a soft dog. Got that tip from Grannymar.
Who? Ah, stop it will you. You’re not taking me seriously. I have car trouble. It keeps revving even when I have my foot off the accelerator.
I know nothing about cars.
But you could check on the Internet.
[Click, clickity, click] Yes. There it is. “Primal Sneeze knows nothing about cars”. Satisfied?
Would you just take a look anyway? I don’t want to go to a garage and have them pretend there’s loads of stuff wrong and charge me a fortune.
Oh right. Com’on … Ehm, uh huh, ah ha, etc. There’s the problem.
What is it? Can you do something? And what do you mean by “etc”?
The jijjle pin is jammed against the Turing ratchet. No. And just for effect.
What do you think caused it?
You probably parked it facing the wrong way once too often. Across a ley line or something.
Oh god! So what do I do?
Take it to my cousin Brian. He’s a mechanic over in Crowleys. Everyone says he’s the B. Sneeze.
Thanks Primal. I’ll go see him right now.
Grand. I’ll let him know you’re on the way.
~+~
Howya Brian. Just sent you a customer … No. Haven’t the foggiest what’s wrong. Shur you know me and cars … You’ll recognise her easy enough. Lovely jumper … Here. Is that calendar from the Chinese takeaway still on the wall over there? … Good. Good. Now listen. When she wants to know how long it’ll take to fix, ask her in what month she bought the car, then pretend to consult the calendar. Let me know what happens.
the B. Sneeze
Ha ha ha ha haaaaaa…
Brill
Now I have a little problem…. my flibbity-gibbit has lost its squeak. Can you help me?
@Caro – I’ve been waiting 3 years to use that. I can give up blogging now.
@Grannymar – Three things to check: The toolbox for water, the works for spanners and the ointment for flies.
“B. Sneeze” Excellent!!
But, ahem, eh…. you’re talking to the revverend and in comes mustard Sally (ride Sally ride) with clutch issues? Ok…
Oh dearie, dearie, me! Chuckle, chuckle. I like Sally; she should be a programmer.
@Conan Drumm – Yeah. One of those days.
@Eolaí gan Fhéile – A programmer? Hell no! I hope she never becomes one. She works in the Dublin traffic control centre. I don’t mind cars crashing but not software.
You had me at B Sneeze
Looks like Eolaí shares the general regard for our profession.
Not a surprise, given how few take on board Dijkstra’s maxim that what we ought to be doing is thinking.
The B Sneeze has the look of a pun waiting to happen alright, but all the better for that.
‘I can give up blogging now.’
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
@Quickroute – It was worth the wait.
@aonghus – Eolaí used be a programmer of sorts in a former life. He knows better than most what programmers are like.
@Grannymar – Okay. If you say so.
I just snorted coffee out of my nose. I doubt I’ll recover.
Why do women always assume that men know everything when it comes to cars?
PS. Your anti-spam is acting up again… Just use Akismet…
@Primal Sneeze – A programmer of sorts? You mean like Tony Hoare?
I like coming back to a post several hours later, and still laughing.
@Sugar Britches – Well I hope it was coffee you’d had already – I don’t want to be blamed for miracles.
@TheChrisD – Akismet is running, plus another one. You got through on the 2nd try. That’s what I like.
Akismet == 20+ spams per day
Akismet + the other one == 0
@aonghus – Dijkstra and Hoare are computer scientists, not programmers. Their job is thinking. Generals not foot soldiers.
That said, it is my belief that programmers should spend 90% of development time thinking. And most of that before they lay a finger on the keyboard.
@Eolaí gan Fhéile – Good.
Both said that a programmers job is thinking, and I agree.
But mostly I couldn’t avoid the in joke around “a progammer of sorts“
Besides, I think ollamh rather than general is the appropriate title.
mean sneeze (take two, the first time I tried to say this i got caught in spam protection or something else)
Hey, cool – when I was a programmer I was only 10% off spending my development time the way I should have.
Sally’s in Dublin traffic control? That’s fantastic!
Aonghus – “like Tony Hoare” was too good. XKCD material.
jaysus, you make me laugh, sugar! xoxox
@aonghus – I suppose the progammer of sorts bit was bubbling in its shell for a while. I was quick to select it for insertion in this heaped bucket. (I’ll let you do the merge pun).
@Gaye – Sorry.
@Eolaí gan Fhéile – Fantastic? It scares the hell out of me.
I think Aonghus was waiting years to use that. We’ll never stop him roll now he’s on a roll.
@savannah – That’s a good thing, right?
@Primal Sneeze – Oh no. As an embedded programmer I carefully avoid recursion.
deliciously so, sugar!
xoxox
@aonghus – Boom tish!
@savannah – Whew!