Special Forces Feline
By Primal Sneeze ~ November 30th, 2008. Filed under: Neighbours, Pets.
I had been on a drug bust the night before so I wasn’t in the humour for more excitement.*
The neighbour dropped in. Are you going to the village at any stage today? I need a bag of coal. I’ll come with you to help lift it.
Right so. Hop in there. I need a few things from the shop too. So, what’s up with your car anyway?
Nothing. It’s grand. Just don’t want to get the boot dirty.
I’m used to that and let it pass.
We weren’t gone far when I heard the screech of brakes and a blasting horn behind us. In the rear-view mirror I could see a car swerve.
A fluffy white ball was rolling toward it. Just as it got to the car, it bounced up on the bonnet, slid over the roof, down the back, and shot across the road into the hedge.
The driver was babbling on at a mile a minute in an incomprehensibly heavy Kerry accent. My neighbour gave up trying to make him out. She muttered that fecker should be sub-titled and sat back in the car.
It was obvious what he was asking.
Don’t worry, I told him. It was just Hitler, the special forces feline. Obviously he was stowed away on the spare tyre rack under the car. Probably heard me talking about going to the shop and was planning a raid on the fish counter.
~+~
There was no sign of the cat the next day. Or the day after.
I was persuaded to go look for him. I knew it was pointless. That was a traumatic fall it took and it was likely badly injured. Or worse. Anyway, if a commando doesn’t want to be found, he won’t be.
Andy was pottering about in his garden. You didn’t see a stray a cat around the last day or so, Andy?
What kind?
Dying or dead.
No. I haven’t seen a dead cat in ages.
No worries. Let me know if you see one, won’t you?
As soon as a dead cat walks in here I’ll be on the phone to you.
~+~
A week later Hitler sauntered into the yard, gave the car a wide berth, hopped up on the window sill and started whining like the Kerryman. Not so much as a scratch on the bastard.
~+~
* I was minding the kids. Oisín had somehow gotten hold of a pack of Anadin and was about to pop some. Or had he already? Some pouches were empty. There were frantic phone calls and emergency mathematics to work out if he’d actually taken any.
Remind me never to follow you on the road
Hope Oisin is ok. Scary moment when it is your own child – double scary when you are minding someone else’s!
I think your story is super funny Primal!
Oisin possibly swallowing Anadin, on the other hand, is not funny. I hope he was busted before he popped in his first one.
Did I say that the story made me chuckle?
You seem to attract this type of possession, Primal, – cats, kids, (was the cat somebody else’s pleasure as well?)
How many lives have they left each?
@Grannymar & @Gayé – Oisín was fine. He didn’t OD or anything. We are still baffled how he got them. Maybe the cat’s teaching him things.
@aonghus – The cat’s not mine. I hate the damn things.
I’ll get back to you on the lives. I have to update the spreadsheet.
Class James Bond accessory! Sod the spikes on the tyres, an ejecting cat sounds pretty efficient for nemesis avoidance on car-chases!
I once drank an entire bottle of Calpol 3+. Didn’t do me no harm. Not really, anyway.
@Primal Sneeze – I had you down as possessed, not possessor! I know Oisín is not your little dear [Insert groan at appalling bilingual pun here]
Nobody owns cats – but I agree on not wanting to share a property with one. It’s the one aspect of Terry Prattchett’s Death I fail to empathise with!
@K8 – Fek you’re right there. We could patent this as the “catapult”.
Eh, I’m sure you got a good month’s sleep after drinking that.
@aonghus – *Ignores bad pun and moves on* I refused to allow the cat own me. But it just stays around. The more I ignore it the more it stays … if you understand me. The dog on the other hand gets really grumpy if ignored for more than a couple of hours.
hate cats. except for garfield. and big wild cats. and small wild cats.
i guess i just hate domesticated cats with the exception of cartoon characters.
Never trust cats or Kerry men – Joab 12:52
@Gaye – I’m with you all the way.
@Quickroute – That’s the joab!