At 11:00 I was having lunch. Tuna in mayonnaise with sweetcorn on brown bread. The bread was home-made by a company that pretends to be a little old lady. The rest was away-made by fish, fowl and farmers.

It was gorgeous. So much so it made me feel guilty. You know. All the starving children. In the crèche in the village. They don’t get lunch until 12:30 the poor little mites.

Ah yes. The kiddies. The Irish Times was fretting about them too. Its Education Today section was in Tuesday’s edition. The Noticeboard carried information about upcoming events of interest to those about to leave school - an open day at the Racing Academy and Centre of Education for anyone thinking of a career in horse racing. There was even a URL for the RACE website. Fair play to the IT - it is not so long ago the same piece would have read something like more details available on the RACE website, with no link. Find it if you can.

Such a pity though these kids can’t access the Education Today section without paying a subscription fee.

The IT seems caught in a Lanigan’s Ball loop of stepping out then stepping back in again when it comes to technology.

At times, it meets new challenges with foresight and vigour, as it did many years ago when they it became the first Irish newspaper to launch an online presence. Then it shoots itself in that same foot that it struck out so confidently, as it did when it began charging for its online content.

Recently the IT admitted its website is struggling to break even. Surprise, surprise.

Madam

If you provide content for free the advertisers will be lining up in droves to give you their money. Even if you only open the archives you’ll make a killing.

Yours etc.

The Sneeze

The IT never seems to realise the commercial value of the Internet. Perhaps they fear the Internet. Or they simply don’t understand it.

On the one hand, it has some of the best technology writers in Karlin Lillington, Danny O’Brien and Mike Butcher. On the other, it has Colin Murphy saying things that many bloggers like to share their thoughts on politics, the media, popular culture and their toilet habits.

The Irish Times’ editorial policy on, and understanding of, blogging is confusing to say the least. Wednesday’s edition carried an opinion piece on Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s Irish language policy, written by none other than the blogger An Spailpín Fánach. The Education Section on Tuesday had some Leaving Cert related snippets entitled Blog tales which had quotes from leaving-cert.net (a blog authored by three eloquent school-goers), walsho.net (an equally eloquent one-manstudent blog) and, get this, boards.ie. Yes! boards.ie! boards.ie! Since when are message boards blogs? Is an IM an email? Is a magazine a newspaper? No. They might share a certain traits but they are not the same.

To further confuse matters, the IT hosts very popular blogs by three of its own journalists: Jim Carroll’s On the Record, Shane Hegarty’s Present Tense and Conor Pope’s Price Watch. Yet Conor’s column in the print edition invites readers to offer feedback, with options like phone, post, email or blog it! * So leaving a comment on Conor’s blog makes one a blogger? Eh, no. If that were the case then writing a letter to the editor would make one a journalist.

I cannot help but suspect that The Irish Times is deliberately muddying the waters in order to distract the non-tech-savvy from blogs. Who do they think they are fooling? I don’t care if the little old lady who makes my bread is actually a company if it tastes good - though it would be nice if they admitted it. I don’t care if the IT source a quote from a message board if it’s worth reading - though it would be nice if they didn’t call the source a blog.

Why are they bothering anyway? The bread complements the tuna perfectly. Neither are as good on their own.

* That could be blog on.

I hate them. Estate agents. I never had to use them but I still hate them. They are right up there with slimy politicians, slimy politicians and slimy politicians. I hate the way they are allowed hoodwink the customer and only get a gentle slap on the wrist when caught out by the Advertising Standards Authority.

A neighbour, make that ex-neighbour, recently sold up. The agent put the house on the market at €370,000. The highest offer was €350,000 and the sellers were willing to accept. But the agent had a problem with this - if it sold for €350k the rest of the houses in the development would be valued the same. He struck a deal with the buyers - they would pay €370k and he would give them €20k towards the cost of their relocation expenses. Now that’s just plain cheating.

But they are all at it. Virtually every new house is for sale with some perk thrown in. The first year’s mortgage paid. Childcare expenses covered. Conveyancing charges reimbursed. Gym membership. Holiday vouchers. Agents will offer anything rather than drop the brochure price.

Matt Dunne & Associates really take the biscuit. All the biscuits. The whole fekin tin. They are offering buyers of properties in Portharlington and Portlaoise free transport to and from work for one year. Wow, you say, that’s the mutt’s marbles. That’d do me rightly.

If something sounds too good to be true then it isn’t. Think about it. There has to be a snag. There always is. Childcare for a year - for one or all your children? Is there an alternative if you are childless or a stay at home parent? You can be guaranteed the answers are one and no.

What are the snags with Matt Dunne’s offer? Well transport will be to a central point in county Kildare. So if you work in Dublin, Laois, Carlow or indeed from home, it is of no benefit. Which central point exactly? Apparently that depends on where the largest number of buyers work. Work it out. Say 40 houses. 10 owners work in Newbridge. The remainder in 5 or 6 other locations - no more than 10 in any one. So 30 of the 40 do not get free transport. What form will the transport take? He hasn’t said, but bus would be the obvious mode. So everyone would have to be travelling at the same times.

When pressed by the local media he said three families who work in a meat processing plant in Kildare town had purchased. If 10 more employees of that company bought houses then he would provide transport for them.

So it is a case of free transport to and from work, but with enough terms and conditions to make an insurance salesman scream. He may as well be offering 10% off all haircuts, provided you avail of them on Tuesday mornings, before 10:15, you are a pensioner, your first name begins with an X, Pluto is in Uranus (painful, I’m sure) and you are bald.

Why are estate agents allowed get away with this?

We have all see those ads for properties described as bijou and we think would suit contortionist with growth hormone deficiency. Or we read rustic and think dilapidated shack with outhouse toilet.

Their playing with adjectives is something we’ve all become used to. We can live with that. Maybe not live within what they are selling, but can at least live with their terminology.

But what when they push it further? Take this prospectus from an auctioneering outfit in this week’s Leinster Leader. It is for a property on 1ha in Kill village that includes a pub with a large carpark and a substantial tract of land with full planning permission for 20 dwellings. See anything amiss yet? No? Okay, fine. Let’s look a bit more.

The pub benefits from a seven-day pub license. That’s just great. I wouldn’t like one of those five-day, or two-days ones like that pub in … where was it again? … eh, what is it’s name? … hold on, is there one that doesn’t have a seven-day license? They could have added that it benefits from a roof, walls, windows and doors.

The village offers access to neighbourhood facilities such as local retail outlets, restaurants, sporting amenities such as the International Equestrian Arena, local GAA club and also a large primary school.

Local retail outlets? A shop; a hardware; a launderette; a hairdresser’s; a solicitor’s. Hold on, only the first two are actually retail.

Restaurants? Well I suppose you could count the food sold in the pub. Then there’s a pizzeria and a chip-shop.

A large primary school. True. True-ish. Large, but not large enough and no new one to be built in the near future.

Kill is well served by national road … links including the M4, M7 and M9.

The M7 is about 4km away; the M9 over 15km; the M4 at least 16km.

The village is connected to Dublin by bus, the Luas Rail Service at the Red Cow Roundabout and the Arrow commuter rail service at nearby Sallins, which run directly to and from Dublin.

Connected by bus, true. I can’t deny that. And it isn’t really their place to point out that these buses run between 15 and 160 minutes behind schedule. The 10:10 can arrive at 11:30. The 11:30 at 12:15. The 12:20 at 13 … you get the idea.

But this one has to be the BEST: How the hell do they make out that the village is connected to Dublin by the Luas at the Red Cow or the Arrow at Sallins? That is just plain wrong. The Red Cow is over 16km away. Sallins about 8km. That is like saying Kansas City is connected to Berlin by JFK.

They say the site is fronting out to the M7 motorway. (They mention the M7 five times, by the way). This is totally wrong. The M7 is 4km away. A corner of the property meets the N7 carriageway. The N7 which is not a motorway. What advantage is it that the site borders this road anyway? An exit/entrance will not be permitted onto it. Access will have to be through an established housing estate. (They do mention this admittedly. They don’t mention that the residents intend to block access with cars, baby buggies, sofas, knives & forks, pots of tea - anything they can lay their hands on).

The Advertising Standards Authority of Ireland (ASAI) investigate complaints of false or misleading advertising such as this and uphold most. The advertiser gets a slap on the hand with a feather duster and continues as before. Is there an obligation to retract? Is there even a fine? Does it matter? The product will have already been sold by the time the complaint is dealt with. The ASAI is yet another toothless watchdog from the breeders who gave us ComReg, the BCC, the CER and so on. And in case you haven’t noticed, we just gone and re-elected these same breeders.