Apparently this “was part of a series of service improvement measures being brought in to help speed up the process”.

Note the download bit. Yes, download. Not an online form. A couple of dirty big PDF files to download, print, complete by hand and take to the local dole office. I’m being harsh – to make it really user-friendly, it is possible to tick some boxes before printing. No typing in text though – can’t have it too user-friendly.

Note the first time bit. Eh, why? What was so difficult about uploading a PDF file and adding a link that it took so long? How does it warrant a press release? Why am I even blogging about it?

This is 2009. When people want information they go to the relevant website. They expect to find everything they need there. Anything less than everything is unacceptable.

On the Department of Social and Family Affairs website there is an invitation to the public to vote for it in Accessible Ireland’s eGovernment Awards.

This, believe it or not, is the departmental website than only published a list of its email addresses in the last few weeks. Accessible?

*I am tempted to recommend ministers experience what it is like from the public’s perspective before taking up their portfolios. The minister for health should get sick; the minister for transport should take the bus. In Ms Hanafin’s case she should be sacked for a few months. Call it off-the-job training. However, even as a school teacher of many years she still managed to make a cat’s arse of the education system in her previous role – such training would be pointless.

The Commission for Energy Regulation yesterday announced that the proposed gas and electricity price rises are to be scrapped and that electricity bills for many households will drop by 0.76%. And they did so to great fanfare. Presumably to Fanfare of the Common Man, for it is the Common Man they are there to protect.

Perhaps Also sprach Zarathustra would have been more appropriate for a bunch of monkeys standing up (to say ‘no’) for the first time and believing they were calling the shots.

From the press release: “In making its decision, the Commission has taken into account recent falls in the price of gas, coal and oil on the international fuel markets”.

Oh you are great lads altogether aren’t you. Standing up on your hind legs. Calling the shots. Laying down the law. Getting tough.

Really?

It hadn’t anything to do with the ESB and Bord Gáis coming out and saying “look, fuel prices are dropping like a whore’s knickers at an Amsterdam stag night so we won’t be needing that price rise – we’re making a killing as it is. But thanks anyway, lads. We’ll get back to you later if we need it”? Did it? Did it?

Did you ever hear such bolloxology? “Commission has taken into account”. The commission took nothing into account. Except their salaries into their bank accounts.

If these civil servants had a pair of balls between them (I’ll leave Cathy Mannion out of this for obvious reasons) the press release would have read as follows:

In early November Bord Gáis had proposed a price increase of on average 3.9%, with ESB proposing an increase of 5.6%. The Commission had bugger all to take into account as recent falls in the price of gas, coal and oil on the international fuel markets resulted in the ESB and Bord Gáis indicating they no longer needed these increases.

However, in view of the dramatic drop in fuel prices [cue fanfare] we have instructed both parties to reverse their increases of earlier this year. If they fail to do so we will fine them one year’s gross income, this money to be paid directly to their customers.

Why for the love of the lord lamb of jayzez do we have regulatory commissions when they couldn’t regulate an oven at gas mark 5?

Either they have no real power, are pawns of those they supposedly regulate or they just don’t give a bollix.

This isn’t mine.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I’m sure. It’s Morris Harney’s pension cheque from Roadstone.

You opened it?

No I didn’t. It says “Roadstone – Pensions Department” on it.

So how come you have it?

You gave it to me!

You’d say anything to get me in trouble. And I suppose you want me to deliver it for you now?

Yes and yes.

Anything else you want me to do, not that me heart isn’t scalded with work as it is?

Just see if there are any cheques for me in with the Harneys’ pile.

How will I know them?

They have a small black dog and an ‘06 Mazda.

Not the Harneys – the cheques!

They’ll have my name on them.

Answer the fekin thing … answer the fekin thing … answer the fekin thing goes The Sneeze.

Bzzz … bzzz … bzzz … bzzz … bzzz goes the phone. Bzzz … bzzz …

Department of Vegetation, good morning goes the woman in her I’m-not-a-civil-servant voice.

‘Morning. I’d like to speak with someone about panda trees, please.

I’m sorry, the person who normally handles that is out today.

Can someone else help me?

Well, there’s no one here today that can really. The bank holiday and that.

The bank holiday weekend begins tomorrow, Saturday. Today is Friday. Ah here, can I assume someone will be there on Tuesday?

I’m off Tuesday instead of today so I can’t ask someone to call you then. I’ll leave a note but it might be best if you rang again.

Any chance you’d work 3% of Tuesday?

Sorry?

It’s okay. I didn’t expect you to have a bamboo what I’m saying.

Clink goes the Sneeze’s phone.

Via Gayé: