Given the current state of the global economy this is not unexpected.  The cartoon industry is not exempt. Indeed, nor are it’s clients.  A recent survey by our own ESRI shows that pocketmoney incomes are down 17% year on year and trips to the zoo have fallen to 2006 levels.

Falling employment has staunched the flow of funds into the pocketmoney coffers.  One four year old was of the opinion that no one gets paid for working – When mam gets me from school after work, she always says she has no money to bring me to the shop for sweets.

Speaking from Stamford, Connecticut, Monke of Garntner tells of some of the more subtle cost-cutting measures being taken by the cartoon industry.

Barney smiles 5.7% less today than he did in 2007.  Why? Industry chiefs may claim it is designed to reflect reality as part of their mission to educate children for life, the truth is that it is a cost reduction measure – drawing big stupid grins takes time and materials.

Monke has also noticed reduced levels of stock being carried by Kelly in her Sheetrock Hills hardware store.  Walt Disney spin the same we are reflecting reality story.  Children don’t notice this as Handy Manny’s lines are scripted such that he never needs request out of stock items.

I asked Monke if there would be further contraction.

Why, yes!  By the middle of the first quarter of 2010 I predict Kelly’s store will close for good.  Handy Manny will source materials on the Internet from China.  In Q-3 we will see layoffs with Turner and Stretch first to go.

But Monke believes even more is to come.  He speaks of mergers, acquisitions, rationalisations and consolidations.  Changes to date have only put off the inevitable, he says.  To return to profit and restore shareholder confidence far harsher measures will have to be taken.  There is no way to avoid this.

Monke cites leaks by industry insiders of a merger between Bob the Builder and SpongeBob SquarePants.  The new cartoon’s main character’s construction empire is no more.  He is old, frail and financially ruined.  Set in a state-run nursing home, SpongeBath Bob will air on our screens in mid-2010.

Me wallet’s as empty as me grandfather’s grave.

Good fek! Don’t say grave robbers!

No. He’s not dead.

In a neighbour’s kitchen

I wrote on it with an indisputable marker by accident.

You mean indelible marker.

Yeah. But if you can’t rub it out it’s indisputable too. Right?

When the starter at Cheltenham calls another totally unnecessary false-start

Would ya look at that useless bastard. He wouldn’t start a row shouting “knacker” in a halting site.

A Fine Gael politician explains the history of Ireland’s economic woes on KFM Radio

The bankers and the builders were like two dogs in heat down an alleyway. What was needed was to throw a bucket of cold water over them. But no. What did the Fianna Fáil government do instead? They jumped in and made it a lurid ménage à trois.

They gave me little in the way of joy or hope. They bored me much of the time. They did anger me in parts.

When I laughed, it was in amazement at how the delegates are totally disconnected with reality. Irish politics is a family affair. It is a job for life. One that most politicians are born into. It is not so much that they cannot see outside the box, it is that their whole lives have been lived within the box and they know nothing other than those cosy surrounds.

Of the speakers I watched live, only Breandán Fitzgerald displayed any modicum of awareness of the basic issues people are facing. He pointed out that most of the newly unemployed are unaware of their entitlements and called on the cabinet to adopt disseminating this information as part of social welfare policy.

At least he knew the newly unemployed currently discover these benefits by chatting with each other. There is a widely, and well-founded, belief that unless you ask, you won’t receive. That the Department of Social Welfare staff deliberatley keep it to themselves or couch it in terms that are unintelligible.

Speaking as Gaeilge, Mr. Fitzgerald was unintelligible to most of the delegates. What irony.

In her address, Mary Hanafin, whose department he had called upon, boasted at length about the retraining, upskilling and other supports the Fianna Fáil party had pioneered to aid the jobless. Back to work allowances; back to work (enterprise) allowance; back to education allowance.

As her party do not consider her speech worthy of inclusion on their web site I can only quote from memory: A man who has lost his job as a plumber can retrain, return to education or avail of numerous other supports.

What the minister seemed blissfully unaware of is that Seosamh an Pluiméir cannot receive the Back to Work Allowance or Back to Work (Enterprise) Allowance until he has been unemployed for 2 years. She implied they were available immediately. A search of her department’s, eh, eGovernment Award-Winning, web site isn’t going to make Seosamh any the wiser as to whether he can return to education: There have been much changes in this area in the past few months. You should get in touch directly with the Back to Education Allowance Section at the Department of Social and Family Affairs to check the current position.

An Taoiseach preached to the converted about the smart economy and how the Nation would become Innovation Ireland and went on to preach some more on back to education programmes. As Gavin puts it, watching many of the speakers, it felt like being at Mass.

Now imagine if you will, and it isn’t hard to in the current climate, that Seosamh is not a plumber – that he is a college graduate with an honours degree in microbiology; that he was recently made redundant after only a year in the job he took up on leaving college and hence has little, if any, savings; that he realises his only hope for employment in his field is gaining a masters or doctoral degree.

Minister Hanfin’s department will not entertain him. Or will they? See we don’t know – the award-winning web site doesn’t say. A peek back in time to February last year using the Wayback Machine tells us supports are available for higher diplomas and that other postgraduate qualifications are not recognised for BTEA purposes.

Now if An Taoiseach was serious about the smart economy and Innovation Ireland would he not be nurturing scientists such as Seosamh?

The belief would appear to be there are supports in place. Those that were implemented back in the 80’s. (Ms Hanafin alluded to those 1980’s structures as being our saviour in today’s situation in her speech – something I predicted she would believe back in July last year).

Their belief in themsleves and that they are handling the country well is so ingrained that they cannot see what is happening. Indeed, what has happened. An Taoiseach, in reference to the financial institutions, said what we need to do now is fix the damage they have caused. He, like the rest of Fianna Fáil, do not realise their culpability. It is not so long ago the ECB and others were pleading with Charlie McCreevy to watch his house – that the economy was overheating and he needed to takle interest rates. He ignored all advice.

Ignoring the public is something Irish politicians are excellent at. Fianna Fáil even more so. Listening to the grass roots is a phrase they bandy about. Perhaps one of those roots up the hole is what is called for. Let me put it another way:

Dear Fianna Fáil,

Cop. Fucking. On.

Yours etc,

The Public

The Commission for Energy Regulation yesterday announced that the proposed gas and electricity price rises are to be scrapped and that electricity bills for many households will drop by 0.76%. And they did so to great fanfare. Presumably to Fanfare of the Common Man, for it is the Common Man they are there to protect.

Perhaps Also sprach Zarathustra would have been more appropriate for a bunch of monkeys standing up (to say ‘no’) for the first time and believing they were calling the shots.

From the press release: “In making its decision, the Commission has taken into account recent falls in the price of gas, coal and oil on the international fuel markets”.

Oh you are great lads altogether aren’t you. Standing up on your hind legs. Calling the shots. Laying down the law. Getting tough.

Really?

It hadn’t anything to do with the ESB and Bord Gáis coming out and saying “look, fuel prices are dropping like a whore’s knickers at an Amsterdam stag night so we won’t be needing that price rise – we’re making a killing as it is. But thanks anyway, lads. We’ll get back to you later if we need it”? Did it? Did it?

Did you ever hear such bolloxology? “Commission has taken into account”. The commission took nothing into account. Except their salaries into their bank accounts.

If these civil servants had a pair of balls between them (I’ll leave Cathy Mannion out of this for obvious reasons) the press release would have read as follows:

In early November Bord Gáis had proposed a price increase of on average 3.9%, with ESB proposing an increase of 5.6%. The Commission had bugger all to take into account as recent falls in the price of gas, coal and oil on the international fuel markets resulted in the ESB and Bord Gáis indicating they no longer needed these increases.

However, in view of the dramatic drop in fuel prices [cue fanfare] we have instructed both parties to reverse their increases of earlier this year. If they fail to do so we will fine them one year’s gross income, this money to be paid directly to their customers.

Why for the love of the lord lamb of jayzez do we have regulatory commissions when they couldn’t regulate an oven at gas mark 5?

Either they have no real power, are pawns of those they supposedly regulate or they just don’t give a bollix.

The currency may have changed but the managers are the same – a shower of punts and bankers. In fact, they are worse now than they ever were.

All commentators (not you – you’re a commenter – I mean the analysts who get paid to comment) are predicting a wave of mergers and acquisitions within the banking sector, possibly with only the big two, AIB and BoI, remaining in Ireland.

Now if I were about to accquire something (like a pint) and you were to hit me up for a few quid I wouldn’t entertain you. No, because I’d be holding onto my money to make that purchase. Likewise, if I were about to be acquired by or merged with (say, with the hot chick over the road), I would want to appear solvent, if not wealthy – a good catch.

Either way, I’m not giving you a penny.

The Labour party will this week move a motion (that phrase always make me giggle) that the government take action to force the banks to ensure credit streams (that makes me giggle too, but not as much) be made available to small businesses. Of course it will be voted down – Cowen and co. are working on their own deal with the banks behind closed doors. The banks are saying “let’s get this merger and acquistion business out of the way before we dish out any credit” and Cowen is saying “well okay so, as long as you keep the big boys going – the builders have houses to sell”. “Grand. We’ll do a few mortgages then”.

Eugene Sheehy, madra mór in the AIB, said as much last week: The banks are “open for business” and trying to “get the housing market moving”, but that “funds are not available for working capital”.

He also said “it is not in anyone’s interest – either customers or banks – to lend money to people who cannot repay it”. Now that really makes me laugh – for fuck sake isn’t that just what he and the rest of the punts were doing these last ten years?

Small businesses are folding by the minute. Their customers can’t pay them. They, in turn, can’t pay their suppliers and they too fold.

Small businesses which have a viable market can’t raise the cash to buy the raw materials they need or pay the wages. And they fold. [See the case study below]

A special fund managed by the Europrean Investment Bank is available to the banks to support these customers specifically. But the banks are not availing of it. Why? Because then they would have loans on their books that they owe and loans that they are owed. They would not appear attractive to a suitor, nor, as the suitor, would they appear an attractive bedfellow to the object of their advances.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

Case Study

Jack and Mary have worked for the same small company for some five years now. One day, Mary suspects something is up when she notices the boss staring at her through the window of his office.

He calls her in.

“Mary”, he says, “I don’t know any other way to put this. The situation is killing me. I can’t go on like this any longer.

I going to have to lay you or Jack off”.

“Is that all?”, replies Mary. “I thought for minute I was sacked. Here, take one of my tissues. I’ll wait outside”.

The wave will likely remain small because, unlike in the 80s, there are few places to go this time around. The old reliables of the UK and the US are not an option. Canada is being talked about as one of the few still experiencing a shortage of workers with particular skills. Australia too and you don’t even need a criminal record to get in any more but she is running the risk of being swamped.

The destination that intrigues me is Poland. EU money and that made by its citizens abroad over the last few years has sparked a mini-boom in the construction industry. That may not last, but is attracting a number of Irish builders and tradesmen for now.

How will they adjust to being the butt of the jokes on the building site instead of the ones dishing out the slagging? How will they react to constantly being told to learn to speak the language? How will they cope with low wages; lack of understanding of the laws and social norms; little knowledge of their rights and entitlements?

It will be interesting. I hope Poland’s mini-boom lasts long enough to show some Irish workers what it’s like when the tables are turned.

Here on Roundworld, many companies have learned the true value of old fashioned post over new technologies. Not only can it achieve things that tech can’t (try emailing an elephant), but its components have value in their own right. In Ankh-Morpork a small number of stamps produced with an intentional flaw saw their face value of 1 Ankh-Morpork penny rise to many dollars as a collector’s item. While businesses may not engage in stamp collecting they do harness the value of the postal system in other ways.

A friend of mine buys trinkets from a home-based jewellery maker in Hong Kong. Never is a single piece valued at more than €1. These she used give as token gifts to not-so-best-girlfriends and colleagues. (It’s a woman thing. Men buy each other pints). Some of these not-so-best-girlfriends and colleagues got to like the pieces so much that they ask her for more. She obliges. At €5 a pop.

So where does Lucy Lu in Hong Kong make her cut? In postage. A 100g packet to Ireland costs HK$5.60 surface of HK$11.10 air. Lucy charges €4 and €7.50 respectively. The exchange rate runs at around HK$10 to the euro so you can see the mark-up.

It’s a win-win for both my friend and Ms Lu. Both make a decent margin.

Recently I began playing around with VistaPrint, the online print service. But I was never 100% happy with the layouts I created and invariably clicked the “save for later” button. I’d return a few days later, dislike them even more, delete them and make new ones. Still not happy.

Then VistPrint began emailing me offers. Business cards now 25% off. Personalised Christmas cards – 10 for free. Monogrammed Koala bears now only €2.99. That kind of thing.

As time went on, the offers got better. The latest offered just about everything for free or near enough. The world. Oysters. You name it. I guess they knew I was interested, just needing a push and I’d be hooked, but how in the name of the mother of the six sniffling infants were they to make money giving me a planet, exotic bears and seafood for free?

I capitulated and ordered something small. In the interests of checking the quality of their work I told myself. In the interests of getting stuff for only €1.99 I didn’t tell myself.

I got out pen and paper Open Office Calc and did some Calcing. Having worked in digital print I know €1.99 is a fair price for the item ordered and quantity given the customer was providing the artwork. Last week I posted a DVD in a Jiffy bag (about the same weight as the item and the packaging I expect it to be delivered in) for 55c.

The postage being charged by VistaPrint? €5.69. And that’s not HK$5.69, it’s real money.

The bottom line is that blogging will be slight over the next few weeks while I get my mailorder business off the ground.

Answer the fekin thing … answer the fekin thing … answer the fekin thing goes The Sneeze.

Bzzz … bzzz … bzzz … bzzz … bzzz goes the phone. Bzzz … bzzz …

Department of Vegetation, good morning goes the woman in her I’m-not-a-civil-servant voice.

‘Morning. I’d like to speak with someone about panda trees, please.

I’m sorry, the person who normally handles that is out today.

Can someone else help me?

Well, there’s no one here today that can really. The bank holiday and that.

The bank holiday weekend begins tomorrow, Saturday. Today is Friday. Ah here, can I assume someone will be there on Tuesday?

I’m off Tuesday instead of today so I can’t ask someone to call you then. I’ll leave a note but it might be best if you rang again.

Any chance you’d work 3% of Tuesday?

Sorry?

It’s okay. I didn’t expect you to have a bamboo what I’m saying.

Clink goes the Sneeze’s phone.

Via Gayé:

But as a stereotypical Irish male, I know all there is to know about Publicans. Stingy robbing bastards the lot of them^{[no citation needed]}. The bastard that owns my local has rubber pockets in his jeans for robbing soup.

Down through the years the local publican was seen as a pillar of the community. I recall two occasions in the 80s that my local pub owner acted as character witness for an individual charged with public order offences, or whatever we called them then – messing? Minor-ish charges.

In the Age of Enlightenment, we began to see them for what they were. Pubs and pub licenses changed hands in the 90s for astronomical amounts of money. Backwater publicans became sidewinder multi-millionaires over night. They fought the smoking ban. The fought against stricter drink-driving laws. All in the best interest of the customer, of course. Figure that! Yet prices charged across the counter continued to rise. And rise dramatically.

There were justifications trotted out for this. Higher staff costs was a common one. I never really got my head around that – how would wages rise at a time when publicans were replacing local workers with much lower-paid immigrants? Well, I suppose they figured if we believed it from the builders, we’d believe it from them.

Overheads. Ah yes, overheads. Now that was a doozy. It was the ultimate cover-all excuse. Never explained. It didn’t have to be. My overheads have risen. No details needed. None given. It may have had something to do with golf club fees, holidays in Dubai and new SUVs.

The best of all by a long shot was the old reliables of the brewery, the VAT and the duty. I use the singular was intentionally. These were rattled off as a single item. In one breath. No commas. Guinness-put-the-pint-up-then-there’s-the-VAT-and-duty.

By another long shot I am no tax accountant, but this does not compute with me. Does not compute. Does not compute.

Duty. Excise duty on alcohol is levied by the State on the basis of volume of alcohol, not sale value. So the duty owing on a pint of beer costing €2 is exactly the same as on one costing €20. It is a flat amount. Don’t tell me that businesses trading in liquor don’t know that!

For anyone who wants to play with the figures, the current rate for beers of above 1.2% alcohol by volume is €19.87 per Hectolitre per cent of alcohol. You won’t though – it’s too complicated. The publicans like it that way – you’ll get a headache trying to work it out and it’ll be easier just accept what they tell you.

To further complicate matters, the Irish government’s love of double taxation means that, VAT is levied on the duty. A tax is, itself, taxed.

Now, what does a publican pay for a pint of Guinness for example? I reckon any publican paying more than €2.67 is out of his head based on what Homekegs.ie charge. That’s €2.20 before VAT.

Guinness recently mooted the idea of increasing their prices by 2%. The media reported this could extrapolate into an 8cent increase at the pumps. How? Take that €2.20 pre VAT wholesale price and deduct excise duty of 50cent^{[Note: My effort at working out the above rates]} leaves €1.70. A 2% increase is 3.4cent.

So the publican is selling now at €4.00 per pint, or €3.30 before VAT. To recoup the increase his pre-VAT price rises to €3.334, or €4.04 (rounded up) after VAT. A 4cent increase which he will round up again to €4.05.

But what he will actually do is add 2% to his VAT inclusive price of €4.00 to get €4.08, which is the figure quoted by the media and which he will then round up to €4.10.

Guinness get 3.4cent extra and the publican gets 6.6cent. Ask why a meagre 2% increase has put the price of your pint up so much and you will be told Guinness-put-the-pint-up-then-there’s-the-VAT-and-duty.

That’s not totally correct – they were indeed counted. Counted and parsed by gender, age, education, you name it. They would have been parsed by sexual orientation if there were more than one in Ireland of the 80’s. The headlines every day gave numbers and percentages. A reduction in unemployment of 0.1% was good news. 50 jobs created was great news. A significant drop in the live register.

Of course the noughties are not the same as the eighties. Or so the Tánaiste, Mary Coughlan, tells us. She warns against using the policies of the 1980s to deal with the economic downturn. The economy is profoundly different now.

I remember some of those policies. After six months on the dole people were called into the social welfare office. Young women were offered secretarial courses. They would learn how to answer phones and type. Young men were offered FÁS (AnCO) courses. They would learn how to cut planks and tighten nuts. Refuse and the payments would be stopped.

While many benefited from these courses and secured work because of them, what was more important was they were no longer unemployed. They were in training. A significant drop in the live register.

Others found no one wanted their secretarial services or their planks cut. Some emigrated. Some stayed and were sent on further courses. A significant drop in the live register.

Ireland boasted the best young phone-answering nut-tightening (potential) workforce in the world.

But the situation is different now. Different measures are called for. Minister Mary Hanafin has declared young people on the dole are to be directed towards gaining additional skills and training following a sharp rise in youth unemployment. They will be pointed towards the “back to education allowance scheme”.

The BTEA scheme provides second and third level education supports. The second level encompasses the Junior Certificate, Leaving Certificate, Post Leaving Certificate (PLC), City and Guilds Certificate or a National Diploma plus third level Foundation or Access courses. i.e. FÁS courses for the noughties.

The third level supports cover university, and equivalent, degree programmes and postgraduate diplomas. I suppose this is how the policies and supports differ from the eighties – the third level option.

Or are they that different really? The minister’s tone is quite threatening. Officials at social welfare offices will spend the summer identifying young people who are eligible to enter education or training schemes in the autumn. It sounds to me they will be told they are being sent to learn the noughties’ equivalent of answering phones whether they like it or not.

What if a young woman, recently made redundant, would benefit from undertaking a university degree? What the Minister doesn’t say is that a) the application deadline for these has passed and b) that to be eligible for third level support one has to be unemployed for 12 months (not the 6 she mentions).

What if a young man, already with a degree, would benefit from a masters programme? Even if out of work for 12 months he can’t do one under this scheme as it only covers degrees and diplomas.

Will these young people be pushed into some City and Guilds course whether or not it will enhance their prospects? I have a sneaky feeling they will be. A significant drop in the live register.

That suitable third and fourth level education could boost these individuals’ careers and grow the knowledge economy the government preach about so much is not the policy here – knocking numbers off the live register is.