Client: We’ve moved to a new house and we’re having no joy trying to sell the old one. We’re thinking of renting it out. How do we go about getting tenants?

Agent: My first word of advice is, any darker than two weeks in Lanzarote and don’t touch them.

Client: Huh?

Agent: Certain African nationalities are notorious rent defaulters. Never take them as tenants.

Client: Is it okay to take them as husbands? I did.

Agent: Fuck!

A pub on a Wednesday afternoon

Tom: Ah, there ya are Dick. Be a good man and put that docket on for me before you sit down. Me auld leg is at me today.

Harry: Jayzez, Tom, you were running in and out to the bookies like a young fella ’til now.

Tom: Well, see, that was me other leg.