In the late ’80s I worked for a small family firm that ran two separate businesses. The foreman of one of these suspected someone was stealing diesel at the processing plant and reported this to the owners.

The Gardaí recommended the foreman discretely monitor the tank levels to find out how much was being taken and how often. After a couple of weeks it was clear that every two or three nights about 100l was going missing.

I was asked to stake out the place for a week. With the promise of overtime I naturally jumped at the chance. Plus I was given a mobile phone. A mobile phone! It was the ’80s remember and mobiles were big clunky contraptions with a handset wired to what looked like a car battery and just as heavy. Even car phones weren’t available in Ireland back then. It was all very exciting.

My first night as Primal PI I hid my van behind a stack of pallets at the side of the compound and waited. Christ the boredom! My watch crawled. Had it stopped? No. The clock on the dash read the same. I was only there an hour. How would I do seven nights of this?

I needn’t have worried. A car pulled up. The driver unlocked the gates to the compound and drove in. A small truck followed soon after and made it’s way toward the tanks. I made the call - my first ever mobile phone call. I got my instructions.

As the visitors were about to leave I started the van. At least I tried to. Panic set in. I’d forgotten to set the ignition to heat first and the engine just wouldn’t fire on cold diesel. Set to heat. Count. 1 … 2 … slowly damn it! … … 3 … … 4. It fired. But I’d been seen. Sweat. Cold sweat. Shaking hands. I gunned the engine as all good TV detectives do and sped around the corner. Gravel flying from the wheels. I parked right across the entrance, turned off the engine and jumped out.

Only now did it dawn on me what I’d let myself into. What was I to do now? My instructions were to block them in but I was told nothing more. What if they forced me to move the van? I locked the door and tossed the keys into a hedge. Fek, that was a mistake! What if they came to attack me? I would have no way to escape.

A figure approached. Ah Primal. It’s yerself. What are ya doing here? We never see you in this yard? It was the plant manager - the foreman had been wise to go straight to the owners.

Ah howya Pat, I croaked. I was driving by and seen the lights on.

Fair ball to ya, Primal. Eh, this man here ran out of diesel and I was giving him a drop to get him as far as a garage. Move that auld van there ’til we let him out.

By now I was shaking like a leaf. What was I to say? Do?

I was still stuttering incoherently when I realised we were now surrounded by a mass of blue flashing lights. One of the cops - a local one I knew - pulled me aside to calm me down. Who were the other people, I asked. Customs and Excise, he said grinning. They’re going to dip both [the manager's and his guest's] tanks. We reckon he [the manager] has been fuelling up half the knackers in the county. And helping himself to a drop too.

The following day I was still rattled. My legs went to jelly and my voice croaked again the day I had to stand up in court and testify against this man. A man I thought I knew. A man I’d drank with at company parties. A man whose house I’d been in once. A man whose son I’d been to school with.

I had listened as evidence of other charges was given. He had been fuelling his own car with red diesel - I had guessed that. He had been stealing red diesel and selling it - I was the key witness that. He had been burning the stolen diesel in his home heating system. He had been siphoning off company money by producing fake invoices. He had been found in possession of stolen goods. Goods that allegedly came via the same individuals he was selling diesel to. And some more that I forget.

One of the Gardaí remarked outside the court later that if they’re at one thing, you can be sure they’re up to a hundred others.

I was reminded of this story by the report this week that the Revenue’s customs section had seized 301 vehicles in 2007 on which VRT had not been paid. Of these, 49 were top of the range cars, on which €1.25m in taxes and penalties was recouped. What was of major interest though, was that many of these cases resulted in full tax audits which recovered a further €1m for the State’s coffers. Just like that Garda said all those years ago, if they were guilty of one offence, they are likely guilty of more. The revenue people realise that.

The same scenario applies elsewhere. Take a politician who is found to have accepted a bribe from a property developer to have land rezoned. Asking what else he has taken bribes for is a reasonable question. It is highly unlikely he is specialising in rezoning bribes.

Take the motorist that is fined for driving at 110km/h in a 100km/h zone, on a good road, in good conditions and with little traffic. Very unfair might be your immediate reaction. But isn’t this the same driver that will do 80km/h in a busy 60km/h? And 65km/h in a 50mk/h in the rain? And 40km/h in a 30km/h outside a school. Your reaction to his being fined for those offences isn’t that it is unfair. This driver hasn’t made a policy decision to speed in 100km/h zones only and that he’ll obey lower limits. And does he specialise in speeding offences? I would doubt it.

Take the builder that installs inferior windows that begin leaking a year later. It would be wise to find out what other poor work he has done. If he is cheating the home-owner, who else is he cheating? The taxman probably. His employees too. If I were to tell you the only thing is ever does wrong is using inferior windows you would laugh at me.

No one who flouts a particular law or ethic flouts only that. It makes a fair case for the so-called zero tolerance.

A school in Co. Mayo has banned students without a full driving licence from bringing cars onto the school grounds. It makes sense when you consider that few, or more likely none, would be on their 2nd provisional licence - for a learner permit to drive a car in Ireland you have to be 17 - the age of the majority of senior cycle pupils. As stupid as the law may be, only learner drivers on their 2nd provisional, are permitted to drive unaccompanied. For 1st, 3rd and subsequent licenses you must be accompanied by a fully-licensed driver at all times.

Therefore, leaving aside the health and safety aspect, the school has a good nimby case in that students driving to school unaccompanied are breaking the law. The regulation was proposed by the Parents’ Association and was welcomed by Co. Mayo’s Road Safety Officer.

Yet the decision, as reported by the Irish Independent, “has been blasted by parents who claim the rule is ‘old fashioned’ in an age when both parents are usually working and the waiting time for full licences is in the region of 28 to 30 weeks”.

Oh, so I get it now: Mick and Mary Murphy can’t take Mick Junior to school because they are too busy. He can’t ride his bike or walk in case he gets wet - this is Mayo after all and it rains a lot. Or maybe it’s just too far - this is Mayo after all and it’s rural. Or is it? Claremorris is quite a big town and most students would hail from there. Perhaps there is no bus service. You see, I just don’t know, but in their eyes, the Murphy’s have some valid excuse to let Mick Junior break the law.

I’m puzzled as to how young Pat Murphy gets to school. Does he get driven by his big brother? Maybe Mick Junior won’t take him and he walks or cycles - he’s young and the rain and distance don’t bother him. They didn’t bother Mick Junior at that age either. And there’s always the bus if it rains or he’s running late. No, there can’t be a bus or they’d both be using it instead of breaking the law.

And anyway, cry the Murphys, he wouldn’t have to break the law if the waiting time for driving tests were shorter. 28 to 30 weeks is scandalous. If our Mick got his test in the morning he’d pass with flying colours.

Now I’m getting a better handle on this: It’s the government’s fault for your son being forced to break the law. Well fret no longer - the Road Safety Authority have announced a number of privately run test centres for the country to reduce the backlog. Mick Junior won’t have to wait longer than 10 weeks, he’ll pass his test, get a full license and be a law abiding, proficient and safe driver.

Minister Noel Dempsey assures us of this: Road safety is a top priority for this Government. Today’s announcement by the RSA of this significant cut in waiting times for driving tests is very welcome news … I want to see safer drivers on safer roads and fewer tragic road collisions.

Now can Mr. Dempsey, the Murphys or anyone, please, please, please explain to me, in the name of the lord lanterning jayzez, the horse he rode in on, the mother of the six sniffling infants and any other minor deities you wish to call upon, how the fuck does reducing the waiting times make Mick Junior a safer driver and reduce tragic road collisions? Passing an outmoded test doesn’t mean Mick Junior won’t abide by the rules of the road and the law. Enforcement ensures that. That’s why we have the Gardaí. But as they seemingly can’t do that job, I say kudos to St Colman’s College, Claremorris, Co Mayo for enforcing at least one law.

ps. Posting has been sporadic of late - I’ve been moonlighting over at ShiteDrivers.com. Except for the wankers, in the absence of a totally clear commenting policy as yet, posting comments as if it was a kiddies’ message board, it’s an interesting site. Check it out.

Now some crowd called the Metropolitan Police Sikh Association (MPSA) in London have gotten into the should Gardaí be permitted wear turbans debate. They say the uniform policy was 40 years behind the United Kingdom and accused the Gardaí of racial discrimination.

Well lads, do you know what you can do? You just go fuck off! It’s none of your business telling a police force in another state what they should, or shouldn’t, be doing. That kind of shite is best left to despots like Bush and Putin.

Why are they spouting on anyway? Probably because some Irish journalist passed the story on to them and asked for a comment.

Why do our journalists and politicians always insist on using Britain as a role model? Ireland brought in ASBOs because Britain had them. Dublin is considering congestion charges because London as them. Ireland implemented a penalty points system for driving offences because Britain had them.

Where will it end? Will we revert to measuring things in inches, ounces and acres because Britain do it? Will we pull out of the euro just to be like Britain? Quick lads, Britain has had a foot and mouth outbreak - we’d better have one. How about a monarchy?

Do our law makers only read the Guardian or the Times and only watch the BBC? There are more countries in Europe, never mind the world, than Britain. Hey, Bertie, go get yourself today’s Frankfurter Allgemeine, El Pais, La Stampa. Oh, I forgot you don’t speak foreignish - well sit down and look at Euronews or France24 for an hour.

Britain may be our closest neighbour geographically and, in some ways, culturally. But she is not our twin. Ireland’s issues of multi-racialism, multi-culturalism and integration are not clones of hers. Too often we forget that Britain went out into the world and created an empire. Ireland didn’t *. Britain retains strong links with former colonies. The Commonwealth of Nations. Former protectorates. The people of many of these territories are legally British citizens or entitled to be.

Often we hear it quoted come into my house, respect my rules or when in Rome, do as the Romans do. In Britain’s case, most of her immigrants are Romans. It is their house.

I am not saying that Ireland can therefore ignore the issues or be heavy handed in imposing Irish culture and values on newcomers. What I am saying to our law makers and commentators is to seek out another role model. Stop slavishly following Britain’s lead.

* Okay we did a bit of it around Britain’s west and north west coasts, the Kingdom of the Isles and all that, but we took weekends off and after invasions we always said sorry about that, lads, but shur it could’ve been worse.

Lads, does anyone know the law on candidates being within 50m of a polling station?

I understood it to be that candidates and canvassers may not come within 50 metres of the entrance to polling stations from 90 minutes before voting begins and they must not attempt to make any appeals to voters as they enter polling station.

At 6:30 yesterday evening, I saw a Fianna Fáil candidate in the carpark of the local school. Now I can’t say whether he entered the building or not, but I did see him within about 10m of the door. It was not the station where he would be casting his own vote. What business would he have there? Checking on the turn out? Surely he should have remained outside the 50m limit and dispatched his driver to do this.

Should I report him? What do you think? Okay, I am biased here as his son got extremely aggressive with me the day before when I pointed out the sign he and his father were erecting was damaging an area of ground the Tidy Towns volunteers had put so much hard work into. I genuinely thought he was going to pull on me.

Update: The useless witless eejit got elected. This county’s electorate are pure fekin mule! I give up.