Many moons ago, my parents’ house was renovated by the County Council. As with all public authority works, it was put out to tender. The builder awarded the contract had worked as an accountant in the Council for many years. Whether he knew the ins and outs of the system, or simply knew people, is irrelevant - what he didn’t know was building.

Doors would be hung that wouldn’t close. They’d be rehung. The wind would whistle through the gaps. They’d be rehung. The Council’s clerk of works would come to inspect them and find substandard hinges. They’d be replaced.

Paint would have to be stripped off, a sealer applied and then repainted. Cracks would appear in the walls and be hastily blocked with fillers. They’d appear again, be refilled and reappear until eventually they didn’t show. And so on until finally everything were as per the specification laid down - or near enough - having been patched up so often, nothing could never be perfect without demolishing and starting from scratch.

He became known, even to Council engineers, as Frankie-four-times.

The Council continued to give him contracts even when he built a wheelchair ramp at their own offices - packed with dusty rubble instead of the hardcore requested, it collapsed within weeks. He redone it and moved on to his next job.

Next up, my generation - I’ve had builders in for months now^Δ. Like all good boys and girls I listened to my parents - didn’t take lifts with strangers; carried a clean hankie; polished the heels of my shoes; didn’t make faces in case the wind left me like that; said please and thank you and didn’t hire Frankie-four-times. He’s probably too busy with local authority work anyway.

The Hymac driver, Ritchie-right hired to dig the foundations, was more expensive than most. But no one had to lift a shovel to tidy the edges when he’d done. The sub-floor was laid and the service lines marked out meticulously with yellow paint. That took time, but the plumbers came the next day and laid the pipes in hours, not days.

The bricklayer too was a little expensive. But he left the gaps the plumbers and electricians would need in exactly the right places and the plasterers worked fast because the walls were plumb and square. A child could have put in the doors and windows thanks to the bricklayer’s skill - the installers didn’t have to take out a chisel.

Floor plans were drawn up in advance and the cabinetmaker didn’t have to cut a skirting board or have a power point moved to put in the fitted presses - the carpenters and electricians had everything laid out for him. The latter ran co-axial, phone and ethernet cable throughout despite my protestations that I don’t watch TV, use a mobile and have a wireless network - you might change your mind in the future and it’s cheaper to do it now. If that happens, it will all be there ready for you, the builder told me.

The tilers found everything level and a dream to work on. The painters had little filling to do, thanks to the work of the plasterers, carpenters and tilers.

Every evening, all rubble was gathered up and placed in a skip. Tools were cleaned and machines refuelled. Floors were swept. Wet work clothes were hung in a room with low heat. The following morning they’d arrive at 8:00 and be working at 8:01.

I have to admit there were occasions I was frustrated with the time it was taking and how much things were costing. Often I tried persuade the builder that something would do, it was fine, there was no need to be that particular, only to be met with a lecture about getting things right the first time. His belief was, if you start right, you’ll finish right. And he was right. I see that now. I should have seen it before - I knew that in 25 years as a builder, he has not once been called back to a single job. 25 years of happy clients. In 25 years he has never had to advertise or tout for work.

Such a contrast to the State-run work done for my parents. But then, that’s the way of things.

Years ago, the State built two trams lines into the capital. They didn’t meet! Now they are to be connected and will cost billions. A businessman offered to foot the bill to extend one line to Citywest and his offer was refused. Now the line is being extended and will cost billions. Why not spend an extra couple of billion now and extend it even further and build a park-and-ride facility 10 times the size that’s needed? Why not at least purchase the strip of land now that would be needed for this? Like the co-axial cable in my house it will be there if we change our minds.

Most civil engineering firms tendering for the M50 design contract proposed a spaghetti junction of flyovers and underpasses for the Red Cow exit, the busiest on the route, but no, a bridge with a roundabout, and later, with traffic lights, was built. The flyovers and underpasses are now under construction and costing billions. Why not build flyovers and underpasses on all roads now being built - just in case we need them in the future?

It’s not just in construction this patching up goes on. Our health service is a shambles costing billions and achieving little. Recently some hospitals stopped performing elective surgery for a period of months to cut costs. Surely bearing the cost of a patient undergoing a small operation and a short stay in hospital now is far less than that which will be incurred later should their condition worsen and they need to avail of A&E and/or a major operation and/or an extended stay.

Our road users are a joke, though not a very funny one. Hundreds die each year. Minor collisions happen every minute of every day, but we don’t know just how many or what the cost is. The State launches anti drink driving campaigns. The State brings in a penalty points system. The State adds more offences to the points list every year. The Gardaí can’t enforce them and even if they do catch a driver guilty of a number of infringements only the one with the highest point rating goes on their record. You can sit a driving test without prior instruction. You can fail that test, get back in a car and drive away. Now here are some mad ideas: Why not train learner drivers properly? Why not reduce policing on major roads and concentrate on the minor ones where most accidents occur? Why not clamp down on the driver who speeds in a 50km/h zone and doesn’t use indicators at roundabouts? The driver who obeys these simple rules is not the one who gets in the car full of drink and kills themselves - it is the one who is continually flouting the law.

I could go on. I could tell you about how, on the second year we had car-free day, everyone drove, including those who normally take a bus or train, because the previous year the public transport system couldn’t take the strain and people were stranded. I could tell you how a debit-card system is proposed whereby under 25s can only purchase a limited amount of alcohol over a given period. It is hard enough to judge a person is under 18 but how do you know a 25 year old? We have no national ID card system. What will be the cost of installing card readers in every outlet? Will the retailers bother to use them? I could tell you how approval was given to An Garda Síochána for a secure digital radio system in 1999. It may come into use in 2010, but until then, the one they have will do even though criminals can listen in.

I could go on ad infinitum. But I’m tired. I’m tired of the whole thing. I’m tired of the State failing to do things right first time. I’m tired of the State continually patching up problems but never fixing them properly. I’m tired of the State digging the foundations and letting sections collapse because it will do. It can be difficult to see so far ahead or make the connection, but if the foundations are right the painters will have no problems.

It may never happen, it will never happen, but I dream of the day when Ritchie-right is running my country and Frankie-four-times has been banished for ever.

A mail burst into my inbox on Tuesday bubbling over excitedly with the news that the County Kildare Community Network website, kildare.ie, run by Kildare County Council, won a LAMA award for “Best Use of External Communications”. You can read it here. Ah, don’t bother - I’ll give you the main points.

LAMA = Local Authority Members Association. Llama = a useful animal.

The award was presented by RTE presenter Sharon Ni Bheolain and John Gormley. For overseas readers, the former is just a teeny weeny bit less hot (about 1cal or 4.1868J) than Jolene Blalock, her name is actually Ní Bheoláin not Ni Bheolain and she works for RTÉ not RTE. The latter is a Green who sold his soul to Fianna Fáil for a ministerial post.

kildare.ie was recently redesigned. Adherence to web standards and improved accessibility & usability are an integral part of the new design. Ah yes, I remember them doing that. I couldn’t view a damn thing on the site for days unless I buried my pride and switched to Internet Explorer. Months later and their online planning system still only supports IE. If your browser of preference is Firefox or Safari you can use their LiteView version. So much for usability.

Here’s an interesting little exercise: Go to the World Wide Web Consortium’s markup validation service and plug in http://kildare.ie/. 23 errors! So much for adherence to web standards.

Go to the Council’s home page. Like the tiny text in light grey font with the white background? Pretty isn’t it? If your eyes aren’t the best it isn’t pretty at all. Oh, hold on, I apologise. I’m being far too harsh - on the right, toward the bottom there is a tiny link for Larger Font. Have you found it yet? Ok, I’ll give you another ten minutes.

*Puts kettle on. Makes nice mug of coffee*

Ok, you found it. Good. So now the font a readable size, even if it is light grey. See the Help/Accessibility link in the same section? Let’s go there and see what it says. Oh no! The font has gone back to the default size! Very accessible indeed.

Ok, well we’ll just have to struggle on. Let’s see what they have in the Publications section. Oh, look, the Development Plan for 2005-2011 is there. This will be interesting. I wonder what they have in store for my area? Now which is my area? I can’t tell because it’s all laid out in gobbledygook map references - I’ll just have to work my way through all the PDF files all until I find it. At least it’s usable.

Now I understand: They got the LAMA award, not for accessibility & usability, but for improved accessibility & usability. Believe me when I tell you most downloadable documents on the site used be in MS Word format - at least I can open PDF.

Personally I think the county would be better off with a few llamas.

Now some crowd called the Metropolitan Police Sikh Association (MPSA) in London have gotten into the should Gardaí be permitted wear turbans debate. They say the uniform policy was 40 years behind the United Kingdom and accused the Gardaí of racial discrimination.

Well lads, do you know what you can do? You just go fuck off! It’s none of your business telling a police force in another state what they should, or shouldn’t, be doing. That kind of shite is best left to despots like Bush and Putin.

Why are they spouting on anyway? Probably because some Irish journalist passed the story on to them and asked for a comment.

Why do our journalists and politicians always insist on using Britain as a role model? Ireland brought in ASBOs because Britain had them. Dublin is considering congestion charges because London as them. Ireland implemented a penalty points system for driving offences because Britain had them.

Where will it end? Will we revert to measuring things in inches, ounces and acres because Britain do it? Will we pull out of the euro just to be like Britain? Quick lads, Britain has had a foot and mouth outbreak - we’d better have one. How about a monarchy?

Do our law makers only read the Guardian or the Times and only watch the BBC? There are more countries in Europe, never mind the world, than Britain. Hey, Bertie, go get yourself today’s Frankfurter Allgemeine, El Pais, La Stampa. Oh, I forgot you don’t speak foreignish - well sit down and look at Euronews or France24 for an hour.

Britain may be our closest neighbour geographically and, in some ways, culturally. But she is not our twin. Ireland’s issues of multi-racialism, multi-culturalism and integration are not clones of hers. Too often we forget that Britain went out into the world and created an empire. Ireland didn’t *. Britain retains strong links with former colonies. The Commonwealth of Nations. Former protectorates. The people of many of these territories are legally British citizens or entitled to be.

Often we hear it quoted come into my house, respect my rules or when in Rome, do as the Romans do. In Britain’s case, most of her immigrants are Romans. It is their house.

I am not saying that Ireland can therefore ignore the issues or be heavy handed in imposing Irish culture and values on newcomers. What I am saying to our law makers and commentators is to seek out another role model. Stop slavishly following Britain’s lead.

* Okay we did a bit of it around Britain’s west and north west coasts, the Kingdom of the Isles and all that, but we took weekends off and after invasions we always said sorry about that, lads, but shur it could’ve been worse.

The elections are done and dusted. We have a new government. Sorry, I mean the same one again, led by Il Duce, Bertisconni. Sorry again, I mean created by Bertisconni. The Greens got a coat of paint as soon as they sat down at the cabinet table; the PD’s got a ministry despite being shunned by the electorate; a bankrupt has had her little problem fixed by a state owned organisation and was invited back into the clique.

Ah well, it’s all over and it’s safe to go into the hallway once more. No more piles of junk mail from candidates to greet me in the mornings.

Wait! There is more junk mail. I forgot all about the senate elections. 24 candidates looking for my vote for 3 NUI seats. If you don’t know what the senate does, doesn’t do, and how it is elected, read Kathy Foley’s latest post, originally printed in the Sunday Times. Actually, even if you do know all about Seanad Éireann, go read it anyway - you deserve something better than the drivel you’re reading here.

Now here’s a my dilemma: I don’t believe the upper house (yeah, funny the way they call it that) should be abolished. It can have a role as watchdog. So I want to see it reformed. But I am extremely uncomfortable with the way it is elected. I am honestly embarrassed that I have a vote while hundreds of thousands of other citizens don’t.

So should I vote? If I don’t, then I am not exercising my franchise. If I do, will it make a difference? Can the senate be changed from the inside? Unlikely. And if I do vote, who do I vote for? 19 of the 24 candidates have sent me junk mail. (Thanks for that lads - I really needed more filling for my recycle bin). But all I know about most of them is what they managed to fit on their blurbs.

Here’s a taste of what/who is on offer:

Tina Lowe - Vows to improve the way Ireland treats the disabled, especially in the area of education opportunities. Okay, Tina, you’re on my possibles list.

Liam Crowley - Sorry lad, your blurb doesn’t entice me to find out more about you. Boring!

Dr. John Hillery - Lovely shot of you chatting to good looking young people. Just like the ones Bertisconni had … hold on, you’re one of Bertisconni’s lapdogs. Bugger off!

Martin Hogan - “I am running as an independent … I have the endorsement of the Green Party”. Confusing me now, Martin. And you’re daughter’s called Chantel! Poor child. You can bugger off too.

Fergal Quinn - Ah here, don’t be annoying me.

Brendan Price - Likes seals. Biblical quotes and images on the blurb - No way, Brendan

John Kennedy - Looks like Leonardo de Caprio. That’s enough. Bugger off.

Daniel Sullivan - Wants a vote for graduates from universities other than NUI and TCD. Good man, Dan. Hold on, how about a vote for every single citizen?

Susan Philips - Wonderful brochure. Must have cost you a few bob? Ah shur you can afford it. Multi-culturalism an opportunity? Depends on which cultural practices you want me accept. No, you’re off my list. Sorry.

The voting papers arrived yesterday. And what do I see on the list but a lad with a big droopy moustache wearing a trilby. Yeah, no messing, he’s got a hat on in the picture. I didn’t know that was allowed - it’s not on your passport. Mark Connelly didn’t send me junk mail and he doesn’t have a website, so I can’t tell you anything about him. And I can’t show you what he looks like - but think of a cross between Bock’s Boys at the blog awards and Willie Power in RTÉ’s Killnaskully. If it comes to it, he’ll get my vote just for taking the piss out of the whole thing.

Shock horror, cried this week’s papers. 101,000 drivers on Irish roads are on their 3rd, or subsequent, provisional license. Shock horror my arse! The dogs on the street knew that. Let me rephrase - the dogs on the footpath knew that - they are too smart to walk out on the street.

For non-Irish readers who want to know what is meant by a provisional license, or simply want to have a good belly laugh at an unbelievably stupid approach to learner driver licensing, take a quick look at the Dept. of Transport explanation.

The previous/current (which is it anyway?) government have been spouting rubbish for years about reducing waiting lists for driving tests. Clear the backlog. What would that achieve? What is the logic? Mary gets to take the test and passes. Great. It proves Mary is a capable driver. But she was a capable driver in the lead up to her test. She didn’t suddenly become one on the day. Joe takes the test and fails. He isn’t capable of driving. Simple as that. He isn’t capable of driving. One more time - he isn’t capable of driving. But what happens when Joe is given a piece of paper with FAIL on it? He drives (yes, drives) down to the local authority office and buys himself another provisional license. Now get this - if he is applying for a 3rd or subsequent provisional he can get a 2 year one. Work that out: Joe has failed the test twice. He isn’t capable of driving. But he is allowed on the road for another 2 years.

Joe must have a fully licensed driver accompanying him. Makes sense. But if Joe is on his 2nd provisional he doesn’t. Explain that to me. Joe must display an L sign on the front and back of his car. He cannot drive on a motorway.

Now Joe, lives in Newbridge and works in Dublin. He uses the M7 and M50 motorways each working day. Like the thousands of others in similar circumstances he takes down his L signs - he might be pulled by the cops on the motorway if they seen them. Joe’s father accompanied Joe a few times as the fully licensed driver, but he can’t travel to work with Joe every day. In fact, his father was really only ever in the car with him while he was teaching Joe how to drive. Joe never took lessons from a professional - they were expensive and anyway, he doesn’t have to under law.

So we have two major things wrong here. Firstly, the licensing system is a mess. It hasn’t changed a whole lot since the days when you just walked into the post office and bought one across the counter. The pathetic restrictions which are in place, are seldom never enforced. Drivers like Joe get stopped at the odd checkpoint and the cop glances at the tax, insurance and NCT discs and waves him on. Never is he asked for his license so he can continue on his way with no L signs, on a motorway and with no fully licensed driver in the passenger seat.

[ As an aside: What Joe fails to realise is that by not complying with these restrictions he is not insured. Uninsured. Just like the boyracers who fail to check the box on the insurance form which asks has the vehicle modifications/adaptations to increase top speed, performance or acceleration. Uninsured. This is something else those who draw up statistics ignore, as do the government who (should) act on them. Uninsured is usually calculated based on the number of cars registered less the number of people insured. ]

The media, government, AA, Gardaí, MADD and so on bombard us with statistics on road deaths. Fine. I’m okay with that. It is truly horrific and needs to be kept in the public’s mind if it is ever to improve. But we never see statistics on the number of minor incidents bandied about in this way. I’m talking about shunts and scrapes. Has anyone ever dinted your car at the supermarket because they can’t park? Do you know how much it costs for a new wing? Have you ever seen a car buried in a ditch because it was only a Micra and the driver was trying to take a corner at 70km/h because that’s the speed daddy takes it in his Mazda 6? Have you seen cars with the front battered in because the driver was just 5m behind a truck which had to brake coming to a corner - a corner the car driver couldn’t see because they were too close to see around the truck? I could go on. These cost billions every year. Billions.

I’m not blaming provisional drivers solely. But they have to play a part. Especially if they have failed their test many times. Most so called fully licensed drivers just got lucky on the day of the test. Others perform just for the test and ignore the rules thereafter. Many get no professional instruction whatsoever. There are advanced driving courses that can be taken. as with regular lessons there is no obligation to do them under law. Stranger still, what we call advanced lessons are the basic compulsory requirement in most other developed countries.

The last government never seen the bigger picture. (Their only answer was to reduce test waiting times). I doubt the incoming one will either. Their posturing about zero alcohol, 1litre engine size restriction and so on is merely patching a system which needs to be redesigned from scratch. Some of what they are proposing is simply not practical, the remainder will be unenforced as usual.

Lads, does anyone know the law on candidates being within 50m of a polling station?

I understood it to be that candidates and canvassers may not come within 50 metres of the entrance to polling stations from 90 minutes before voting begins and they must not attempt to make any appeals to voters as they enter polling station.

At 6:30 yesterday evening, I saw a Fianna Fáil candidate in the carpark of the local school. Now I can’t say whether he entered the building or not, but I did see him within about 10m of the door. It was not the station where he would be casting his own vote. What business would he have there? Checking on the turn out? Surely he should have remained outside the 50m limit and dispatched his driver to do this.

Should I report him? What do you think? Okay, I am biased here as his son got extremely aggressive with me the day before when I pointed out the sign he and his father were erecting was damaging an area of ground the Tidy Towns volunteers had put so much hard work into. I genuinely thought he was going to pull on me.

Update: The useless witless eejit got elected. This county’s electorate are pure fekin mule! I give up.