»» In the list of top 20 programmes favoured by 20 to 44-year-olds, audiences are increasingly turning to Today FM. Half of the top 20 shows are Today FM shows – the Ray D’Arcy Show is number two with this younger audience after Gerry Ryan, who takes the top slot, with 248,000 and 327,000 listeners respectively. [Source: BCI-JNLR survey - November, 2007]

»» Ryan and D’Arcy are two of the biggest gobshites ever to blow spit into a microphone - There are 575,000 gobshites listening to spittle in Ireland in the 20 to 44-year-old age group. [Source: Primal Sneeze - February, 2008]

Ryan, I could never take seriously since the lamb episode. Of all the voices on the national airwaves, only Joe Duffy’s grates more on my ears, and his Oprahesque treatment of topics is the only reason I can see for his show running 3 hours instead of one. One minute. The man uses more unnecessary adjectives than you’d read in a schoolgirl’s essay.

D’Arcy. His show’s a bit like Viz - Not as good as it used to be. At least Viz coined the slogan and they pride themselves in it.

I admit to being a mad fan years back when Martin Maguire was the producer. I’m no longer a fan. Just mad. And everyone involved with the show seems to be a producer these days. Maybe it’s a case of too many cooks or maybe Martin was a strong leader and made D’Arcy toe the line. I don’t know. All I know is that I seldom turn on the radio in the mornings.

I did tune in briefly on Friday while in the car. D’Arcy was disgusted that anyone would use a towel a second time. That didn’t surprise me - he’s a girl when it comes to hygiene. Actually he is a girl, so I just giggled like a girl back at the radio. I make myself laugh sometimes.

The next earth shattering topic was the Irish for gloves. A listener, a tradesman, was working outdoors in a Gaeltacht village and needed to buy some urgently. Someone suggested lámhainní via text. Someone else suggested miotóga. Neither D’Arcy, who worked briefly with Radió na Gaeltachta, nor co-presenter Jenny Kelly, who was winner of TG4’s Ní Gaelgóir Mé, could pronounce them. Well they actually could, but feigned inability. D’Arcy has become more Gaelophobic over the years. Maybe he thinks it’s hip and cool, and is what his listeners want. But my blood boiled when they positively bubbled with mutual appreciation of their failing. Christ on a bike, it’s not that difficult! Law-v-knee. Mi(t)-toe-ga. There. Now you have them in pronounceable body parts.

For me, the camel’s back was well and truly bollixed long before Friday. His increasingly I’m-open-minded, as-long-as-you-believe-what-I-do attitude led to the dromedary’s demise. Christ on another bike, get a blog if you want to be like that, man!

I cried as the poor camel breathed its last in August when he interviewed fellow blogger, Niall O’Keeffe, about Shitedrivers.com. A radio presenter himself, and well used to speaking, Niall couldn’t get a word in. D’Arcy was convinced Shitedrivers.com would glorify joyriders and boyracers and that was it. Adolescents would upload videos of themselves doing doughnuts and such. Niall tried to explain the registration and moderation processes. No! D’Arcy knew all about the Internet (like John Waters does) and there would be an endless stream of kids lining up to do crazy antics for the camera. And how will the site help reduce road deaths? Niall tried explain that wasn’t its aim. No, no, no. D’Arcy knew it wouldn’t do any good - there’d just be videos of car stunts. How Niall didn’t rip the big bobble head off the midget I don’t know.

Niall wasn’t the first, nor was he the last, to be subjected to D’Arcy’s pontifications. If he wants to play pope and issue Papal Bulls, then fine, let him. Waters does it all the time. But the funny thing is D’Arcy genuinely believes he is a fair interviewer. He tells the listeners he is often enough. I think I gave so-and-so his chance. I just asked him the questions you, the listeners, wanted answered. How many times have I heard this? Why the bull to accompany the Bull? If he needs explain himself, then surely something is wrong.

As for the 327,000 gobshites listening to the other eejit, well, they’re a lost cause altogether - lambs to Gerry Ryan’s slaughter so to speak. More worrying, is that 248,000 247,999 of 20 to 44-year-olds in Ireland don’t seem to see anything wrong with Pope D’Arcy the First either.

Saturday mornings used be great. Let the dog out of his kennel. Throw him a few fresh kittens. A big bowl of Wheatibangs for myself. Brew up a pot of coffee. Then sit back from 6:30 to 9:00 and watch back-to-back documentaries on RTÉ1. Two and a half hours of pure heaven.

That’s all changed. RTÉ no longer show documentaries from 6:30 to 9:00. Now it’s 9:00 to 11:00, by which time it’s too late. I have other things to do. Trolley rage. Hoover the fridge. Do some charity work. Take a drive somewhere. Normal Saturday stuff.

Instead I’m subjected to Simple Painting. Simply fekin Painting with Frank fekin Clarke. The plastic Paddy who insists on sticking a big dirty H into Slán at the end of his show. As we say in Ireland, sHlán leat. No we don’t Frank. Fek off! Oh, and leat - well maybe you’re right - maybe you do have only one viewer. This morning it was me. Now, fek off, again!

Follow this with reruns of Bergerac and Magnum PI. The TV guides tag them with an (R). Yep, repeats alright. First screened in the ’80’s so RTÉ figures enough time has elapsed to slip them into the schedule again. Fek it lads, they were crap back then. L-shaped sheets don’t cut it in the noughties. Twenty years sitting a shelf won’t have made them any better. They aren’t whiskeys. Only my mother and my half-wit friend TJ liked them the first time. TJ joined the Guards, by the way.

I only have terrestrial TV so my options are limited. RTÉ2 - kids stuff. Fair play to them. TV3 - Emmer-fekin-dale and Best of Ireland AM. I didn’t know there was a best. I’m not even sure if there could be a Mediocre of Ireland AM. TG4 - A stream from Euronews. “The international community have called on Iran to halt their nuclear programme”. Imagine that. “Ah com’on, will yiz give up all that auld nuclear shite like good lads now”. The same stories repeated every 10 minutes. Gets boring after a while. Maybe there should be an (R) in the TV guide for this too.

Radio. Ah, the wireless. I do love the wireless. But not on Saturday morning. RTE2FM - Dave Redmond. Who? RTE Radio 1, Newstalk, RnG - all repeats of the week gone. I was there lads. I have the t-shirts. No use telling me about it. Lyric FM - No, too sleepy. I want mental stimulation. Today FM - normally my favourite but they have Martin King on. A part-time weatherman, part-time DJ, full-time plonker who goes on the national airwaves once a week and plays requests for John from Santry, Jason from Tallaght, Britney from Clondalkin, Jayo from Ballyier. If you’re Tom from Athenry and want something played for your granny’s 100th birthday you can fek off. This is a Dublin show.

I’m getting a dish.