A list of answers I frequently find myself giving and some suggestions as to what the questions might be. The table at the bottom are the actual questions I get asked. The suggestions by Grandad, Eolaí and Sam are funnier though.
| Answers | Grandad | Sam |
| Yeah, shur why not. | Will yiz buy me a pint? | Would you just hold this smoking gun for me ’til I nip out the back door? |
| 7/1, but you could have gotten 15/2. | What are the odds on Paisley’s son being gay? | What will my eventual ridiculous boob-to-waist ratio be, Dr. Nipentuck? |
| Straight on and then take the N7 - signposted Limerick. | ‘Scuze pliz? Vat ze vay to Belfast? | Do you know the way to San Jose, little impish-eyed boy? |
| No, sorry. Can’t. I’m up to me oxters this week. | Any chance of quitting blogging? | Are you still busy drowning in the ould ungodly souls, Father Morrison, or have you got time for a session with the lads? |
| Ah, ya know yerself. Tipping away. | What are you doing with that trailer of rubbish? | Is your daughter still at the old tipping the velvet, I’m a lessiebian-communist-vegan-trying-to-catch-my-first-social-disease stage then Mrs. Mackenzie? Or has she gone back to the Girl Guides? |
| €3.70 | How much for a ride? | So how much tax did you actually end up paying last year, Mr Ahern? In total? |
| It was the year Jet Ski Lady won the Oaks. | When were you last sober? | Is this a…a…? Mr D. Oddery you have a petrified carrot at the back of your larder. When did you last do a fresh vegetable shop? |
| Jayzez, I haven’t a clue. Ask the Joe lad. He’ll know. | Where do you live? | So how many of the filthy children on this little farmstead are your’s then, Mrs… ah sorry, right you are… Ms Cantsayno? |
| I’ll know in July. | Pregnant again? | Will the world end in June, Pastor Fallwell? Is it worth renewing my car insurance? |
| Born, bred and buttered. 65KE reg me. | Yiz wouldn’t be from Kildare by any chance? | Are you a Mennonite? What computer chip did they put in your neck? |
| Answers | Eolaí |
| Yeah, shur why not. | We were thinking of moving County Kildare into a new bigger county called the Kingdom of Eblana. You are under consideration for the notional title of King. Are ya okay with that? |
| 7/1, but you could have gotten 15/2. | For economic viability we think there should be more Dublin people in this new county than people from Kildare. What kind of ratio of Dubs to Kildare folk do you think is acceptable? |
| Straight on and then take the N7 - signposted Limerick. | For the people not in favour of this new arrangement, where do you think they should go? |
| No, sorry. Can’t. I’m up to me oxters this week. | An Post doesn’t seem too clear on some addresses in your vicinity. Would you be willing to help with a reorganisation of postal addresses, and while you’re at it, electoral boundaries? |
| Ah, ya know yerself. Tipping away. | The authorities are concerned with the numbers of cows in your existing county. How are you managing to cope with them? |
| €3.70 | How much fare would you be willing to pay on a new light rail system from your home into Naas Nua, which will be located in Johnstown? |
| It was the year Jet Ski Lady won the Oaks. | Our records show wild swings in the declared annual incomes of your neighbourhood. Can you recall when you yourself earned your largest income in a single tax year? |
| Jayzez, I haven’t a clue. Ask the Joe lad. He’ll know. | Did you spend most of the money earned that year in your county of residence? |
| I’ll know in July. | What are the chances of you exceeding that amount this year? |
| Born, bred and buttered. 65KE reg me. | As King, how do you think you would respond in a year’s time if somebody asked you how you felt about your new county, the Kingdom of Eblana? |
| The questions I am actually asked | Answers | Follow up questions/responeses | Follow up answers |
| Fancy going for one? | Yeah, shur why not. | You never say no, do you? | I'm a yes-man. |
| What price was that yoke? | 7/1, but you could have gotten 15/2. | Did you get 15/2? | Is the bear a Catholic? |
| How do I get to Naas? | Straight on and then take the N7 - signposted Limerick. | Why doesn't the sign say Naas? | The lad who put it up thought you were going to Limerick. |
| Can you come have look at my computer? I think I have a virus. | No, sorry. Can’t. I’m up to me oxters this week. | You're always up to your oxters. | I suffer from low oxters. |
| Are you busy these days? | Ah, ya know yerself. Tipping away. | So, what are you doing? | Avoiding lads who surf porn sites and then want me to take a look at their computer because they got a virus. |
| How much is the pint? | €3.70 | For a lager? | No, for Guinness. I don't carry a full price list. |
| What year did you move home to Ireland? | It was the year Jet Ski Lady won the Oaks. | And what year was that exactly? | Exactly the year Seagram won the English National and Omerta the Irish. |
| But what year? Was it 92, 93, 94? What? | Jayzez, I haven’t a clue. Ask the Joe lad. He’ll know. | Someone said he's in hospital and it's not looking good. | So you'd better ask him quick then. |
| What age are you now? | I’ll know in July. | You don't remember your age? | Don't have to. Someone always sends me a card with it on it. |
| Are you from around here? | Born, bred and buttered. 65KE reg me. | So you do know your age? | No. I know the year. I just don't bother doing the maths. |
Addictions Advertising Back to school Banks Blogs Builders Characters Charity Commentary Crappenings Driving Economy Education Environment Estate Agents FAQ Farming Friends Fun Gaeilge Gardaí Guest blaggards Health HSE Immigration Internet Irish identity Jokes Kids Kildare Law Life Literacy Local Media Mothers Movies Neighbours Occasions Painting Pet Hates Pets Photgraphs Photos Plonkers Poetry Polish Politicians Politics Pubs Pub talk Racing Radio Relatives Religion Science Shopping Snippets Spam Sport Tech stuff Time Transportation Travel Travellers TV Uncategorized Weather Wildlife Women Work
Recent Sneezes